A Million Reasons
by erin-dilaurentis
Summary: Charlotte has been revealed as -A. The game is over, the girls have moved on. Alison & Emily included. Alison is married & Emily is in California finishing school. But life isn't as pretty on the inside as it is on the outside. With Alison's marriage in shambles & no one aware of it, she's miserable. But a visit home for Christmas from a certain brunette changes everything forever.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi everyone! This fanfic is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster so strap in tight while you're reading this. I've got the majority of it written out already so you'll never be without a new chapter for long!

This fic takes place after the Charlotte -A reveal. Alison and Elliot ended up getting married, but he's actually just Elliot and not Archer Dunhill or anything in this. But their marriage is anything but perfect and they've been having some serious problems along the way. Emily's been in California for a few years, trying to finish her schooling. It's the winter break before her last semester and she decides it's time to pay a visit home. But maybe that wasn't the best of ideas.

Enjoy xx

 **"Wedding Bells Were Just Alarms, Caution Tape Around My Heart"**

Light flood through the window and silently woke the sleeping blonde in her huge queen size bed. She rolled over and wiped the sleep from her eyes, quickly stealing a glance at the alarm clock on her bedside table.

 _7:00am. Two more hours until I'm supposed to be up,_ she thought to herself.

Leaving the warmth of her bed, she quietly tiptoed downstairs, the need for a hot cup of coffee dictating all of her decisions. She paused briefly to glance into her living room, smiling as she saw her four best friends fast asleep, sprawled out across the couch and on the floor, sleeping off the crazy night they had the night before.

She stole a glance at herself in the kitchen window while waiting for the coffee pot to warm up.

"I'm getting married today," she said, smiling to herself.

As she grabbed a coffee mug out of the cabinet above her, she heard footsteps coming up behind her. She turned to see one of her bridesmaids in the doorway, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Hey, I didn't wake you up, did I?" Ali asked, as grabbed another mug from the cabinet and set it on the counter, ignoring the unpleasant feeling that just settled in the bottom of her stomach.

"No, no, I've been awake for a while. What are you doing up so early?"

"Couldn't fall back asleep," Ali said, putting milk and two sugars into the black coffee before she handed it to the girl standing next to her, their fingers brushing for less than a moment. But long enough to send a burning sensation all throughout Ali's body. She tried to shake away the feeling. She was getting married today, to the _man_ that she loved.

"Nerves?"

"No, not really. I think I'm just more impatient. After months and months of planning I'm glad it's finally here. And I can't tell you how thankful I am to have you and the rest of the girls up there with me today. It means the world to me," Ali said, trying her best to speak as though she wasn't aching to feel the girl's skin against hers again. She quickly sat down at her kitchen table, praying that the distance would aid her.

"It means the world to us, Ali. We're all really happy for you and Elliot."

"And you guys are really okay with Charlotte being my maid of honor, right? I mean, I know that it's going to be weird considering what we've all gone through but—"

"Ali, we already told you that it's fine the last 100 times you asked us," a slight chuckle coming from the other girl, making Ali smile slightly, "We've all seen her since she's been in Welby and she seems to be doing a lot better. And besides, she's your sister, Ali. Regardless of everything that's happened, you deserve to have all of us up there, your whole family there with you."

Ali smiled shyly. Not really having a proper response, she busied herself by getting more coffee, trying not to wake the rest of the girls.

"So, have you heard from Elliot yet?"

"I haven't checked my phone yet. But I'm sure he didn't get much sleep last night either, it sounded like they had a pretty big night planned," Ali said, making her way back towards the table. There was yearning deep in her chest to reach over and grab one of the golden-toned hands that were resting right across from her.

They both sat in silence for a little while. There were so many things left unsaid between the two but neither of them could seem to find the words to say what they wanted to. They'd both agreed to let each other move on, it was what was right. But why was it so hard?

"I should probably start getting ready," Ali said, trying to cut the tension.

"Yeah, of course."

They both stood up from the kitchen table, Ali moved to head up the stairs to her bathroom.

"Ali?" came from the woman behind her.

"Yeah?" Ali said, spinning around, her deep blue eyes meeting chocolate brown ones.

"I just wanted to say that I really am happy for you. You and Elliot deserve all the happiness in the world."

Ali blinked the tears from her eyes, "Thank you, Em. It means the world to hear that."

"Of course. But as a bridesmaid, it's my duty to offer my services while I still can. I'll drive the getaway car. We can be in upstate New York before the other girls yet up."

They both laughed, glad that the tension was dispersing.

"I think I'm good, Em, thanks," Ali said, pretending as though the thought hadn't already crossed her mind.

"Okay. Well, you know where to find me if you change your mind."

"You'll be the first to know."

They smiled at each other as they parted ways, Ali headed up to her bedroom and Emily headed into the living room to wake the rest of the girls, both of them with a feeling in the pit of their stomach they couldn't quite explain.

* * *

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you could please stand and help me welcome the newly married couple to the dance floor. Please give it up for Mr. and Mrs. Elliot Rollins!"

The reception hall exploded with applause and cheers as Alison and Elliot made their way to the middle of the dance floor. Emily looked fondly at Ali, trying to focus on the way Elliot made her smile and laugh, and not all the 'what ifs' and 'what should have beens' that were running a mile a minute in her head.

 _She's happy,_ Emily reminded herself over and over, _really happy._

One by one couples started to join them on the dance floor and the party started up once again, everyone sharing in the pleasant buzz of having a few drinks in their system, all adding to the happy energy that was emitting from the room.

Emily looked at all her best friends out on the floor dancing, Hanna and Caleb, Spencer and Toby, and Aria and Ezra, all in love and all happy. Even Charlotte was there dancing with one of Jason's friends.

S _he looks happy, too,_ Emily thought, _everyone looks so happy out there._

As the song ended and a faster one started up, more people started to join the floor, the party really beginning. Emily herself didn't feel like dancing, even when Hanna had begged her to come up and do their dance routine to Katy Perry's _California Girls_ that they thought up in freshman year of high school.

"Not feeling much like dancing?" Emily heard from behind her. She put down her champagne and turned to see Alison, in all her bridal glory, staring down at her. She had completely taken Emily's breath away.

Emily tried her hardest not to stare at Alison. She always knew Ali would make the most beautiful bride in the world, but she never thought she'd be watching Ali walking down the aisle to someone who wasn't her.

"Not right now. My feet are killing me from these heels. I'll catch the next one," Emily said as Alison sat down next to her. She knew that Ali didn't believe her, but Alison also knew better than to press.

"The wedding was beautiful, Ali. And Charlotte looked so happy for you."

"Yeah," Ali agreed, as she reached over for the glass on the table and stole a sip of Emily's champagne, "I think she's really happy she's here. I'm glad she was feeling up to it."

Silence enveloped them once again, but they were content just sitting next to each other, both thinking the same thing: sometimes it's better to say nothing at all than to say the wrong thing.

"So when do you head back to school?" Ali asked, as she handed the champagne back to Emily.

"My flight leaves tomorrow afternoon. Just enough time for me to get settled in before the summer semester starts up."

"I'm really glad you decided to go back, Em. I know it was really hard for you, especially having to start from the beginning again. But I'm really proud of you."

Emily smiled. Not knowing exactly how to respond, Emily decided to change the subject, "So, you never told me where you and Elliot decided to go on your honeymoon."

Ali, who was finishing off their shared glass of champagne and ordering another from a passing waiter, was grateful for the change of subject, "Oh, yeah! We're going to Fiji! It's supposed to be incredible there."

"Fiji? I would have thought you would have convinced him to go to Paris?" Emily said, remembering all the days spent with her head in Ali's lap as Ali talked endlessly about the Eiffel Tower and the French Riviera, all of the promises made to take each other there one day.

"I tried! But he wanted to go somewhere really tropical and exotic. Maybe I can convince him to take me for my birthday." Ali's stomach churned at the thought.

 _That was supposed to be our place,_ she thought to herself.

"When do you guys leave?"

"Our flight's at 7am. And we're there for 3 weeks," Ali said, suddenly unable to look Emily in the eye.

"So I guess this is gonna be the last time we'll see each other for a while then, huh?" Emily asked, staring down at her feet.

"Yeah, I guess it is. But you'll be home for Christmas, right? We'll see each other then," Ali said, blinking away tears in her eyes, grateful that Emily wasn't looking.

"Yeah, of course," Emily said. She knew very well that Ali knew Emily wasn't coming home for Christmas, but she knew that this was easier for the both of them than saying goodbye. They had said goodbye to each other too many times over the years, they both wouldn't be able to deal with another one, especially today.

"You better text me when you land in California, okay? So I know you got there safely."

"Absolutely! And call me when you guys get home from Fiji, I wanna hear all about it."

"You'll be the first person I call," Ali replied, as she let the silence engulf them once more.

After a few more minutes, Ali thought it would be best for her to get up and join the rest of her guests, that unexplainable feeling from the morning settling in once again and making her feel like she was going to throw up.

"I should probably go join the rest of the guests," Ali said.

"Yeah, I think I saw Elliot looking for you," Emily pointed in the direction of the crowd.

"Yeah. Promise me you won't sit here all night, okay? You owe me at least one dance!"

"Of course! Ali, thank you for having me up there with you today. It meant the world to me, to all of us, to be there with you."

"I couldn't have done it without you," Ali said, before she thought better of herself and added, "all of you."

Ali leaned over and hugged Emily to her, both of them grateful the other couldn't see their face, it would have been too hard. And if they held on to each other longer than they probably should, no one noticed.

"Love you, Em."

"Love you, too."

Ali stood up and gave Emily's hand one last squeeze before she left. Both of them feeling crushed under the true weight of those words.

"You okay, love?"

Ali looked up to see her husband looking down on her with a concerned face.

 _I love him, I do. I love…him._

"Oh yeah, I'm fine. Emily's just leaving for school tomorrow and we just realized we probably won't be seeing each other for a while."

"Oh, okay. Well, you know that she's welcome to come stay with us when she comes home for breaks. I know you'll miss her a lot."

Elliot bent down and kissed her sweetly. Alison cut it short, she knew that Emily was watching her, but she wasn't really sure why it mattered.

But she couldn't ignore the screaming in her head, telling her she made the wrong choice, that she possibly had just made the worst decision of her whole life.

Hanna spotted her best friend sitting alone at the head table, bitterly sipping her champagne. She made her way over and put her hand on Emily's back.

"You okay, Em?"

"Yeah, no, I'm fine!" Emily said, trying her best to paste on whatever kind of face best resembled happy, "Where's Caleb?"

"I left him taking to Toby about some computer processing something, I don't know. So how are you?" Hanna said, sitting in the seat next to Emily.

"Hanna, I already told you that I'm fine. Stop asking."

"Than look in my eyes and not at Ali and tell me that."

Emily looked sheepishly at Hanna, trying to blink away the tears in her eyes. Hanna grabbed her hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

"Still Ali, huh?"

"It'll always be Ali, Han," Emily said, as she downed her champagne glass in one gulp. "But I'm happy for her, I really am."

"I know you are."

"We just weren't right for each other, you know? We never could get it right. But just because it didn't work between us doesn't mean I don't want her to make it work with someone else. And she looks happy. She looks happy. Right, Hanna?"

"Yes, Emily. She looks very happy."

"Good," Emily said, talking around the lump in her throat.

"Okay," Hanna said as she pulled the champagne glass from Emily and put it on the table, "enough champagne. Let's go get you drunk."

"Yes, please," Emily said. She laughed as she let Hanna pull her up from the table and toward the bar, completely missing the fact that Ali hadn't stopped looking at her since Hanna sat down.


	2. Chapter 2

**"I'll Be Home for Christmas, You Can Count On Me"**

Ali wrapped her scarf tighter around herself as she dashed from her warm car into the supermarket. She had some last minute food shopping to do before her and Elliot hosted Christmas Eve dinner at their place in a couple of days. It would be their second Christmas together since they've been married and their first since Charlotte died. Trying to lighten everyone's spirits, Ali had offered to do Christmas this year, hoping it would be a good distraction for everyone, herself included.

An hour later, she was home and all the groceries had been unpacked. She immediately began to tend to all the food she had to prepare for the crowd of about twenty that she was expecting. It would be the first time she would see, almost, everyone since Charlotte's funeral and she was excited to have all of her loved ones around. Well, maybe not _all_ of her loved ones.

Some 3,000 miles away, Emily had just finished up her last final before her winter break. She was excited to have a whole month off before finishing up her last semester of college and graduating in May. On the way back to her dorm room, Emily flicked through her Instagram feed, seeing everyone's reunion pictures with their friends and family for the holidays, early Christmas presents and all the decorations that were being put up around the her hometown of Rosewood. One post in particular caught her attention and she felt instant guilt build up in her stomach.

It was a picture of Alison and Charlotte from last Christmas. Beneath it had the caption, _"I know Christmas was always your favorite time of year. There will always be a seat and glass of wine at my table for you. Love you always."_

Before Emily could even think about what she was doing, she dialed the phone number she knew by heart and waited for someone to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Ali?" Emily's heart immediately felt lighter at the sound of Alison's voice, it always did.

"Hey, stranger! How are you?" Ali stopped dead in her tracks. A phone call from Emily Fields was the last thing she expected to get today. She'd never admit it, but hearing Emily's voice always seemed to be able to relax her. And she needed that stability more than ever now.

"I'm good! Just finished my last final for the semester."

"That's exciting! How do you think it went?" Ali asked, trying furiously to wipe the goofy smile off her face. It was just a phone call from Emily for God's sake. Why did that make her so ridiculously giddy?

"I think it went pretty well. So fingers crossed. How are you doing?" Emily asked, immediately biting at the skin next to her nail.

"I'm great," Alison lied, she was the farthest thing from great, but she'd never let Emily know that, "Just getting together the last couple of things for Christmas dinner. What's up?"Ali asked, pacing up and down her kitchen.

"I just thought I'd call and see how you were doing. We haven't talked in a while and-"

"Emily," Ali said sternly, cutting Emily off. She knew Emily better than that.

"I saw your Instagram post."

"I thought so," Ali said, laughing softly at how easy it was for her to still read Emily after all these years.

"I just-I still feel terrible for not being able to make it to the funeral."

"Emily, there was no way I was letting you miss your midterms. It was more important to me that you take them than to be there, you know that."

"I know but I just hate that I couldn't be there for you. And I know the holidays must be really hard for you and Elliot."

Ali had to force herself not to cringe at the sound of her husbands name.

"Yeah," Ali said, her voice small, "it's been hard but I've been keeping busy with Christmas dinner and everything. I'm excited to see everyone. It'll be hard, but being around everyone will help, it always does."

"Well," Emily said, her spirits immediately brightening, "how would it make you feel if I told you I had a surprise for you?"

"Horrible because you know that I hate surprises," Alison scoffed.

"Why do you think I wanted to give you a surprise in the first place? Come on, you should know me better than that by now."

Alison could almost hear Emily's smile through the phone and it made her heart skip a beat.

"I hate you so much," Ali said, wholeheartedly laughing for the first time in she couldn't remember how long.

"Fine, than no surprise for you."

"Emily Catherine Fields, you give me my surprise right now or we won't be friends anymore."

It took a moment for them to both calm down they were laughing so hard. It felt so good for them to be able to have normal conversations like this again, it had been so awkward between them for so long. It felt good to have all those feelings pushed aside and to focus on their friendship again.

"Okay, well I wasn't going to tell you but I figured you might need something to cheer you up. I'm coming home for Christmas this year!"

"You are not!" Ali said, truly shocked.

Emily and Ali hadn't seen each other since Emily left for school two and a half years ago. After Emily's dad had died and she went back to school, coming home for her was always too hard. It was better for her to stay at Pepperdine all year round and get ahead in school. She worked her ass off taking winter and summer session classes, but that's how she'd been able to graduate in 3 years.

Of course, Aria, Spencer and Hanna had all taken trips out to see Emily but Alison could never get the time. Between working at Rosewood High and spending summers with Elliot and his family in Vancouver, she never had a free weekend to go out and see Emily. But Ali knew deep down that she could have made the time.

"I swear. I haven't been home for the holidays in so long and I miss Rosewood and all you guys. I figured since I'm almost done with school that it's time to come home for a break," Emily could barely contain herself. She planned on just showing up at Alison's on Christmas Eve and surprising her then, but she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She wasn't even really sure why she wanted to surprise Alison in the first place. Of course, there was a part of her that always was a little hurt that Alison never came out to see her, but the thought of seeing Alison made Emily forget all about it. The thought of Alison's smile when she'd see Emily was all she could focus on.

"Oh my god, Em! That's awesome! Do the other girls know?"

"Yeah, I told them all when they last came out to see me over Thanksgiving. I wanted to surprise you since it's been forever since we've seen each other."

Alison broke out into a huge smile, so much that it made her cheeks hurt. Always leave it to Emily to make some grand gesture to prove to someone how much she really cares.

"Then you have to come to mine and Elliot's for Christmas dinner! Everyone will be here, and I even convinced Jason to fly in! And it'll be the first time all five of us will be together in forever. It'll be just like old times. Please? I'm not taking no for an answer."

"I'll be there," Emily said, the excitement of seeing all her friends overtaking her.

"Great! When are you flying in?" Ali said, writing down a list of ingredients she needed to make her Blueberry and Lemon Scones, they were always Emily's favorite.

"I get in on the 23rd."

"Okay, perfect. So 7 o'clock at my place on Christmas Eve?"

"You got it!"

"Great! I'm so excited. I've missed you," Ali said, tears welling up in her eyes.

"I've missed you too, Ali," Emily said.

Ali could of sworn she'd heard the slightest crack in Emily's voice but she wasn't sure if she'd made it up or not.

Ali immediately felt an ache in her chest, one she couldn't quite explain. "Listen, I hate to run off but I've actually got to go wrap up some of Elliot's presents and hide them before he gets home," Ali said, lying through her teeth.

"Of course! Okay, I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

Ali hung up her phone, more excited for Christmas than she had ever been. She quickly checked the time on her phone.

 _6:50. Elliot'll be home soon,_ Ali thought to herself. She walked to the refrigerator and pulled out the chicken that she had made last night for dinner. _Leftovers will have to do._

At half past 7, Elliot walked through the door and called to Alison.

"In the kitchen!" Alison shouted, and within minutes Elliot had come in to greet her. "How was work?" Alison asked, not really caring to know the answer.

"Fine. Slow day today," Elliot responded, pouring himself a glass of water. "How was your day?"

"Fine, did some more grocery shopping. Oh and Emily called, I invited her to Christmas Eve dinner."

"I thought she doesn't come home for the holidays," Elliot commented, with a slight attitude in his voice.

Ali stopped dead in her tracks, still having not made eye contact with her husband, she turned to him and met his eyes dead on, "Well, she changed her mind this year. Is that a problem?"

"Not at all," Elliot said, turning to leave the kitchen, "The more the merrier!"

When he was out of sight, Alison took a moment to collect herself. Her and Elliot's conversations were becoming more and more like this. Christmas was her favorite holiday but she was really starting to regret volunteering to have it at her place. She almost backed out a dozen times, but now that she knew Emily was coming home, she was determined to make it amazing, for Emily's sake.

Fifteen minutes later, Alison called Elliot to the table to eat dinner. He came padding in in his sweatpants and t-shirt, and took a seat. Alison, who had already set the table, came in with two plates.

"Chicken again," Elliot commented as he began picking at his plate.

"Is there a problem?" Alison asked, forcing herself to not start a fight.

"Not at all. Just that we had chicken yesterday. I was hoping for something new."

Alison slammed down her knife and fork and looked across the table at her husband. "Well, I am so sorry, Elliot. I should have known that. It's not like I've been slaving away all day in the kitchen cooking for twenty people for Christmas. You're absolutely right, we should have something new."

Before Elliot could comment, Ali had gotten up from the table and walked into the kitchen. She returned a few moments later and threw a menu at him.

"Order a fucking pizza," was all Alison had to say as she turned to clean up the plates.

Elliot joined her a few moments later in the kitchen, attempting to make amends, "You're right, Al. I'm sorry. You've been cooking all day, I shouldn't have been a jerk about the chicken. Let's please not fight, can we do that, please?"

Alison nodded, not able to look her husband in the eye.

* * *

Two hours later, Elliot, who was freshly showered, came down to find his wife sat at the dining room table with hundreds of papers around her.

"Are you coming to bed?" he asked, though he already knew the answer. She wouldn't come to bed until after she was sure he was already asleep. If she even came up to their room at all.

"Soon," she replied, not tearing her eyes away from her work, "I have to finish my lesson plan by tomorrow morning or else I won't get the time until after Christmas."

As soon as Elliot was out of her line of vision, Alison took off her glasses, leaving the work that she finished an hour ago on the table. She went into the living room and pulled her laptop onto her lap. She spent the next an hour scrolling through her Twitter and Facebook feed, like she did every night, knowing that by the time she was done, Elliot would be asleep.

After over an hour of stalking kids she went to high school with, Alison's eyes drifted to a Facebook status that she hadn't seen yet today.

As of three hours ago, Emily Fields's status read _"Can't wait to spend Christmas back in Rosewood this year! T-minus 3 more days."_

Alison smiled to herself when she saw that Hanna, Aria, Spencer and Emily's mom had all given it a like. She quickly typed out a comment that said, _"Can't wait to see you! Christmas hasn't been the same without you,"_ with about 5 heart emoji's, and decided to head upstairs.

She quickly pad into her and Elliot's shared en suite and began to wash her face. Her eyes glanced toward the small marbled bowl that sat next to the sink. It recently housed the matching silver engagement ring and wedding band that she couldn't even remember the last time she wore.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: have fun ;) and Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate xx

 **"I Don't Wanna Miss Out on the Holiday, But I Can't Stop Staring at Your Face"**

Less than three days later, the final decorations were up in Ali's house, the table was set and the guests were finally starting to arrive. Alison, who was putting the finishing touches on her outfit, took one last look at herself in the full length mirror in her bedroom.

 _Everything will be perfect tonight,_ she thought to herself, _It's Christmas Eve._

She started to make her way downstairs before realizing she was missing something. She spun around on her heels, and rushed back into her bathroom. She grabbed the two rings from the bowl next to her sink. As she forced them onto her finger, she was shocked to see just how truly uncomfortable they felt on now. She remembered there being a time when she used to forget that she even wore rings, now she could barely focus on anything except for the slight pinch that she got while wearing them. The second she put them on she couldn't wait to take them off once everyone had left.

She immediately found her husband downstairs in the living room and joined him in his small talk with their next door neighbors, his hand awkwardly finding its way to the small of her back. Ali had to force herself to not look utterly repulsed his touch, while Elliot was looking for any excuse to leave her side. Ali let her mind wander, remembering a time when even the smallest touch from Elliot would make Alison feel like she was on fire. Now a touch felt like nothing more than a betrayal.

At 7:15, Ali heard the doorbell ring and watched as Elliot excused himself to go answer it, both thankful to whoever it was behind that door for the distraction. Ali made her way over to the fireplace, where Aria and Spencer were standing, sipping their red wine. Ali immediately grabbed the glass from Spencer's hand and took a sip. To which Spencer took Aria's glass.

Aria immediately shot Spencer a look.

"What? Ali took mine," Spencer said in defense.

Aria shot a concerned look towards Ali, "You okay, hon?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little stressed out."

Both Spencer and Aria nodded in understanding, knowing that there was more than Ali was saying but both knowing better than to press.

"Well, look who finally decided to show up," Spencer said, reaching to take back her wine glass from Ali's hands.

Ali, looked quizzically at Spencer and turned slowly to see Hanna walking through her front door. Behind her, Ali saw Elliot taking someone's coat. As Hanna moved out of the way she knew it was none other than Emily, her Emily. Ali's breath caught in her throat as soon she saw her, she had forgotten in all these years just how beautiful her best friend was.

When she laid eyes on Emily, it was like everything stopped. The world seemed to be frozen within a moment all around her, except for Emily. Emily moved in slow motion, almost as though the universe was giving Alison a moment to fully take her in.

Her beautiful, long, almost black hair that Alison knew so well, was now a lighter shade of brown, adorned with subtle golden highlights, going nearly blonde at the very ends, made Emily look even more like some exotic goddess. Her toned muscles, that flexed with every move she made, complimenting her bronze sun kissed skin from hours spent under a beating sun, no doubt.

Alison didn't think it was possible, but Emily was even more perfect now than she'd ever seen her before. An observation that landed a pit right in Alison's stomach and a dull ache in her chest.

Spencer and Aria immediately ran towards Emily, nearly tackling her to the ground. But Ali found that she was glued to her place, her legs failing to bring her to where she wanted to be. She was still frozen in the moment, and there was part of her that was afraid she'd never get out.

Emily, who had yet to spot Ali, was swallowed up by the sea of people in Ali and Elliot's house, an abundance of people she didn't recognize. Another reminder of this new life Alison had created. A life that Emily hadn't built with her like she always thought she would. But even worse than that, this was a life that Emily wasn't even witness to.

She quickly finished with the reunions, and, while trying to hide her apprehension to the best of her ability, asked, "Where's Ali? I don't see her."

Emily couldn't help but hope that no one knew where Ali was. She wasn't exactly sure why but she really wasn't excited to see Alison. Sure, she was excited to be with all her friends and to be home for her favorite holiday, but spending Christmas with Alison and her perfect husband in her perfect house was definitely not high up on the list of ideal ways Emily wanted to spend her holidays. If Hanna hadn't shown up at Emily's house and literally dragged her out of bed, Emily wasn't sure she'd have even come.

"She should still be in the living room," Aria said to Emily, turning to see if she herself could spot Ali amongst all the people.

"Okay, I'm gonna go see if I can find her," Emily said, catching Hanna's concerned look and whispering, "I'll be fine."

Emily took a huge breath before straightening her dress and crossing the hallway into Ali's living room. She immediately spotted Ali, who was looking into the fireplace. And the second Emily laid eyes on Alison, her breath caught in her throat, surprised by how someone could look exactly the same as you last saw them yet look so different all at the same time.

This was still her Ali. The same one she'd grown up with, discovered herself with. The one whose face she had memorized inch by inch. The person that she had loved more than any other human being in the world. The one who, after all these years, still had the power to take her breath away. The Ali that she had known better than she knew herself.

But at the same time, this Ali was a complete stranger. This was a person who had lived a whole life since Emily had last seen her, a person she seemingly now knew nothing about. Someone she'd have to relearn. Emily tried to ignore how truly upset it had made her to realize that there were things about Ali that she didn't know anymore. That there were a million new quirks that Ali had developed that Emily wouldn't have committed to memory. Emily wouldn't be the person who knew Ali better than anyone anymore. That would be her husband. The thought made Emily sick to her stomach in ways that she couldn't even contemplate.

She almost considered sprinting out the door right then and there, and making up some excuse. The fact alone that she hadn't seen Ali since her wedding was enough to unravel her but to see this life that Ali had built, a life that Emily used to see herself building with Ali, made her want to crawl out of her skin. And she hated the power that this had over her.

But Ali had seen her before Emily could do anything and Emily was secretly berating herself for not being better at making faster decisions. But the second that Ali smiled at Emily, all those doubts and ill feelings melted away. All the worlds problems could be solved by an Alison DiLaurentis smile. Her heart immediately felt lighter, and all of a sudden she was back to being thirteen, and wanting more than anything to be smiled at like that for the rest of her life.

 _God, I'm gonna be in so much trouble,_ Emily thought to herself.

"Excuse me," Ali began, a playful smile creeping up on her face as Emily approached, "I don't think we've met," Alison started, putting her hand out and introducing herself, "I'm Alison DiLaurentis."

Ali was relieved when Emily laughed in response.

"Hi, I'm Emily Fields, one of your best friends."

Ali laughed again and immediately enveloped her in a hug, holding her close. Ali remembered how much she loved Emily's hugs. It was impossible to feel anything but happy when one was in Emily's arms. But the mere contact made Ali's skin feel like it was going to burst into flames, a feeling she hadn't felt in she didn't know how long. She tried to ignore it, blaming it on being so close to actual flames.

Emily had forgotten how much she'd loved Ali's hugs as well, they were undoubtably the best hugs in the world. When Ali hugged someone, she hugged them with her whole self. Whenever Ali would pull Emily into a hug when they were younger, Emily's troubles always seemed to just disappear, her hugs could turn any horrible day into a great one.

 _Oh yeah, so much trouble,_ Emily thought as Ali released her.

"I missed you, stranger!"

"I missed you, too! Ali the house looks amazing, you really outdid yourself. Charlotte would have loved this," Emily said, giving Ali's hand a reassuring squeeze.

Ali blinked the tears from her eyes, "Thank you, Em. It's still hard to believe that she's not here."

Emily smiled sweetly, not really knowing how to respond.

"So," Ali said, changing the topic, "tell me all about school. How did your finals go?"

"Great! I get my grades next week but I think I did really well. I have a good feeling."

"That's awesome! Are you excited to be graduating in May?"

"Oh yeah," Emily said, excitement bubbling up inside her, "I can't believe I actually did

it."

"I can," Ali said, catching Emily off guard, "you could always do anything you wanted

once you put your mind to something. I always knew you had it in you to finish school. Your dad would have been so proud of you, Em."

"I hope so."

"I know so. He was proud in anything you did as long as it made you happy."

"I just wish he was going to be there," Emily said, avoiding making eye contact with Ali, "it doesn't feel right getting my diploma without him there to see it."

"He'll be there in spirit. I know it's not the same but he'll still be with you."

Emily smiled, Ali never failed to always know the right thing to say.

Ali didn't know what was wrong with her. Ever since she had seen Emily walk through the door she felt this uncontrollable need to run, far and fast. She didn't know why but suddenly she felt trapped in her own home. She felt as though the walls were closing in on her, this huge house was getting smaller by the second. The only thing comforting her at the moment was knowing that Emily was right next to her, and not looking for an excuse to escape. It was amazing to Ali that after all these years Emily still had the ability to make her relax by just standing next to her, a skill that her husband never had.

 _Most wonderful time of the year, my ass,_ Ali thought to herself while at the same time seriously considering setting a small fire in the kitchen so that the dinner would have to be cancelled.

Emily turned to look at the huge Christmas tree that resided in the corner of Ali's living room, with tons of wrapped presents sitting dormant underneath.

"Oh wait," she said, stirring Ali out of her deep thought, "that reminds me. I wanted to give you your Christmas present." Emily dug in her purse for a medium sized box, wrapped in Santa Claus wrapping paper.

Ali broke out into a smile at how adorable Emily could be sometimes.

"You're right," Ali said, her mood instantly brightening, "I wanted to give you yours, too. Follow me, it's upstairs."

Emily nodded and followed Ali through the crowd of people and up the huge staircase to Ali's second floor, and into her bedroom.

"Sit," Ali said, "I'll go get it."

Emily nodded and perched herself on the small two-seater that sat in the far corner of Ali's room. A few moments later, Ali walked back in, this time with a box about the size of a shoebox in her hands.

Sitting next to Emily, Ali shoved the box into her hands, "Me first."

Emily laughed as she began to carefully unwrap the red and gold wrapping paper. Inside Emily found a scrapbook, whose pages were filled with tons of pictures of Emily on the swim team in high school, of Emily and Toby, graduation pictures with her whole family. Even pictures from when Ali had formed their group in freshman year of high school. There were also little notes that all the girls had written each other. Emily often forgot that not only bad things came out of their high school experience, this book reminded her of that. It erased all the bad things that had happened and showed only the good.

" _The bigger picture,"_ Emily thought to herself.

"I was looking through some stuff in the attic a couple of months ago and I came across all these boxes of pictures from when we were kids. I know my last semester of college was the hardest, and I figured that this could give you that last push to pull through and to realize that though this was a really hard journey, you've already accomplished so much in your life. Everything else you do are just bonuses," Ali said, hoping with everything that Emily loved this present. She had spent the better part of a month putting everything together, she wanted it to be perfect.

"Ali, this," Emily paused, trying to find the words, "I don't know what to say. I'm speechless."

"Well, do you like it?" Ali said, chuckling nervously.

"Are you kidding? I love it. Ali, this is absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much," Emily said, looking through the scrapbook again, "God, this makes my present look cheap!"

"I doubt that!" Ali said, reaching for the box that Emily was handing her. She unwrapped the present to find a blue velvet box waiting to be opened. Careful to not drop what was inside, Ali slowly opened the box to find a silver charm bracelet shining up at her.

"Emily," was all Ali had to say. She took in every charm, noticing how it was themed.

 _Paris themed,_ she thought to herself. Her heart ached a little when she remembered how she had always wanted to take Emily there, she wanted to share the place she loved the most with…..the person she loved the most.

"When I was in the store making it, I knew it had to be Paris themed. I know that's your absolute favorite place in the world. Now you can have a little bit of it with you everyday," Emily said, reaching to remove the bracelet from its box and latch it on to Ali's wrist. Reveling in how amazing it looked and how it was the perfect size.

"It's—" Emily started.

"Perfect," Ali finished, finally looking up at Emily, "It's perfect. I love it."

Alison quickly pulled Emily into a hug.

"Merry Christmas, Ali."

"Merry Christmas, Em."

This hug lasted longer than it probably should have but neither of them minded, both of them blaming it on the fact that they hadn't seen each other in so long. They could have stayed like this for forever if someone let them. So much emotion had happened in the past hour that there were no words to express how they felt. Neither of them could express it even if they wanted to. They were just glad to be here, together.

Ali was the one to finally end up pulling away, but only because her new charm bracelet had gotten caught on the shoulder of Emily's dress.

"Hold still! Emily, hold still," Ali said laughing because, of course, Emily wasn't holding still.

When they were freed and the laughter had died down, Ali turned to look at Emily, whose face was mere inches from hers. Ali immediately forgot how to breathe, she couldn't believe how close their were sitting. Emily felt dizzy, intoxicated by the smell of Alison's perfume. She could feel Alison's small breaths on her face. They stared at each other for a minute, neither of them sure what to do.

 _This needs to stop,_ Ali thought to herself.

But when Emily was looking at her like she was right now, with her warm eyes and caring gaze, nothing else mattered. They both started to lean in closer, and Ali found herself unable to stop staring at Emily's lips. Emily's eyes began to flutter shut.

Their lips were just about to touch when the sound of someone coming up the stairs broke them apart. They both jumped up from the small couch, avoiding making eye contact.

"Maybe we should, uh," Emily started.

"Go downstairs? Yeah, I'm sure Elliot's looking for me."

They both walked downstairs, avoiding looking at each other, going their separate ways as soon they reached the landing. Ali immediately made her way toward the kitchen, muttering something about checking on the ham.

Emily, herself, went straight for the small table in the dining room which held all the drinks. She poured herself a hefty glass of red wine before downing it in one gulp. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Hanna showed up behind her with a concerned look on her face.

"You okay? I lost you after you went off to go find Ali," Hanna said, reaching for the wine bottle.

"Yeah, uh, we just exchanged gifts and then she went to go check on the food."

"Oh, good," Hanna said, "I'm starving."

"Yeah, same," Emily lied, she felt sick to her stomach.

Ali, on the other hand, was running around her kitchen in a tizzy. She didn't know what to do with herself. She had almost just kissed Emily. She didn't know what to think or how to feel. Regardless of what was going on with her and Elliot, she was still married. She needed to focus on that. She dug her grave years ago, and no matter how bad it all was, she was not going to do this to Emily, she was not going to hurt her again. Emily always had been her safe space and where she felt the most comfortable, but no matter how much she was hurting, she was not going to do this. She couldn't hurt Emily again.

She felt sick to her stomach with grief. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't ignore how, for that split moment, to kiss Emily was the only thing she wanted most in the world. She couldn't think about anything else except how she just wanted to feel Emily's arms around her, strong and grounding yet soft and caring. She wanted to feel near her and never let go. She'd give anything to feel Emily near her, to feel Emily's skin on hers.

There was no way she could still be in love with Emily, not after all these years. They'd both moved on. There was just no way. Or was there?

 _What did I just get myself into?_

* * *

Emily and Ali avoided each other for the rest of the night. Neither of them knew what to do or say to each other. Should they talk about what almost happened? Should they just pretend like it never happened and move on? Should they admit that the idea of almost kissing was all they could think about for the rest of the night? That the idea of each other's lips on their skin left their heads spinning? Should they admit that they both wanted it to happen more than anything in this world? Should they not? Should Ali admit that her world stopped the second Emily walked through her front door? Should Emily admit that she's never seen Ali look so beautiful in her whole life?

They were both in so much trouble.

 _I knew I never should have come tonight,_ Emily thought to herself, silently hating Hanna for forcing her to come.

 _I never should have volunteered to host Christmas this year,_ Ali thought, making a mental note to never, EVER do it again.

At around 11, most of the guests started to wean out, leaving only a few people left in the too big house. All Emily wanted to do right now was get Hanna and leave before anyone could notice they were gone. But that would involve an explanation and Emily was in no shape to reiterate tonight's events because, frankly, she couldn't even understand them herself. Her and Ali almost kissed, _kissed!_

Emily fell in love with Ali when they were thirteen and here they were almost ten years later and with so much history between them and they almost kissed. Emily couldn't wrap her head around it.

Was she mad it didn't happen or was she happy? Ali was married, for God's sake, could it have happened at a worse time? Sure, Emily loved Ali. They were best friends, but beyond that Ali was such an influential person in Emily's life. It was because of Ali that she'd discovered herself, that she came to terms with all the terrifying thoughts and feelings that she had. Ali was the first person that Emily ever fell in love with. And Emily knew that those feelings would never go away. But was Emily still _in love_ with her? And even more than that, did Emily want Ali back? Did Ali want Emily back?

 _No,_ Emily thought, _Ali is happily married. It was just the holidays. We haven't seen each other in years and emotions were running high. It didn't mean anything._

But Emily's head hadn't stopped spinning all night and she was afraid that it never would.

Ali was stuck in the kitchen, yet again, trying to avoid who was still left in her house. She

had just finished cleaning the same dish for the third time when Elliot came looking for her.

"Hey, Al, the last couple of people are heading out."

She took a deep breath, put on her most convincing smile and head into the main area of her house. She walked in to find Hanna and Emily putting on their coats. Ali had noticed how all the color seemed to have drained from Emily's face. She suspected she herself didn't look much different.

"Thank you guys so much for coming!" Elliot said, moving to open the door for them.

"Thank you for having us. Ali, the food was amazing," Hanna said, moving to hug Ali goodbye.

"Thank you! Did you guys take some leftovers?" was all Ali could think of to say.

"Yeah," Emily said, awkwardly hanging out behind Hanna, refusing to even look in Ali's direction, "Thank you, Ali. And Elliot. Merry Christmas."

Hanna and Emily gave one last wave before hurrying out the door into the cold. Ali, once again, felt sick to her stomach. Was everything possibly ruined between her and Emily now? They had just started to get back on the right track again after all these years. She couldn't lose Emily, not now, not with her marriage falling apart. She wouldn't be able to survive losing anything else, let alone losing Emily. That would most certainly kill her.

Ali was pulled out of her thoughts by Elliot asking her if she needed any help cleaning up. Ali politely declined, choosing to leave out that she had finished cleaning up about an hour ago and was just hiding out in the kitchen, avoiding Emily.

The second Elliot had left Ali, she couldn't stop herself from looking down at her left hand. The hand where her wedding rings were sitting, poised and polished just perfectly. She thought about the day Elliot asked her to marry him, she thought it was the most amazing thing to happen to her. And when they had gotten married, Ali felt like the happiest person in the world. But looking back on it, she now knows that she was wrong.

She was the happiest person in the world when she saw Emily Fields walk through her front door tonight.

But something else caught her eye. She looked down at the silver charm bracelet that was on her other wrist. She took in every charm, which she knew were carefully picked out, specifically for Ali. The rings and the charm bracelet. The rings _or_ the charm bracelet.

Ali's head was spinning again. She quickly pulled off the rings and stuffed them into her pocket. She couldn't even bear to look at them anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hi everyone! I'm so glad you all are enjoying the story so far, your reviews and compliments mean the world to me. So, please, feel free to leave me more. I promise this fic will start picking up soon, but who doesn't love a good slooooooow burn.

Also, if you guys wanna follow my tumblr, the url is "thats-immortality". Come check it out, it's a PLL themed blog and I post some small Emison one-shots on there pretty frequently. In case you need any feels to get you through waiting for new chapters.

Enjoy xx

 **"It Hurts Me Every Time I See You, I Realize How Much I Need You"**

It was two days later, and Emily and Ali still hadn't talked about what almost happened on Christmas Eve. Or even spoke at all for that matter. It was driving the both of them crazy not knowing what the other was thinking. Worse was not even knowing what they themselves were thinking. Their heads were spinning in a million different directions and they couldn't focus on anything for longer than a minute before the situation infected their thoughts again and again. They were both going out of their minds.

Not to mention, things between Ali and Elliot were at a new level of bad. They weren't even bothering to fight anymore, instead resorting to just not speaking at all and Ali didn't know which she preferred. She wished she could just tell someone what was going on.

She wished more than anything she could tell Emily what was going on.

 _Emily would know what to say, she'd know what I should do,_ Ali thought to herself, _she always knew what was best for me._

On the other end of town, Emily was counting down the days till her flight back to California. California meant away from Rosewood, away from Ali, away from all these feelings. In California, she could at least ignore what almost happened and these feelings that she tried so hard to force away for so long. It was a little hard to do that when she was afraid to even go get coffee because Ali might be there.

But she already missed Ali more than she could put into words. Coming home and being around her reminded Emily of that. She realized just how much she missed having her around, she missed how Alison always had this way of making Emily laugh. She missed hearing her voice, she missed her smile. She missed how Alison always had this way of just making Emily relax by her mere presence. She missed her smell, her touch. She missed the way her eyes lit up whenever she'd laugh. She missed her best friend. She didn't want to lose her, she _couldn't_ lose her.

 _We have to talk about this,_ Emily thought to herself, _We have to get past this._

Before Emily could talk herself out of it, she grabbed her car keys and walked out her front door, driving the five minutes to Ali's house. Before she could even take the keys out of the ignition, Emily left her car and stomped up the stairs of Ali's porch, finding herself standing right outside the front door. She didn't even think to look to see if Ali's car was in front. Or Elliot's for that matter.

Losing her steam, Emily quietly turned around and headed back to her car, praying no one saw her.

"Emily?"

Emily stopped right in her tracks, she was so close to her car. Just a few more seconds and she would have been out of there. She turned around and saw Ali, standing in the doorway in the most adorable cat jumper that Emily had ever seen.

 _God, help me._

"What are you doing here?" Ali asked, not moving from her spot, afraid of what would happen if she got too close again. Instead she just crossed her arms over her chest, wrapping them tightly around herself. Guarded.

Emily opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out. It was like all knowledge of any human language was deleted from her brain. She literally did not even know what a word was, let alone know how to string them together to form anything resembling a sentence and make it go from her brain to her mouth.

Emily cleared her throat and tried again, "Ali, we need to talk."

Ali just stared at her for a minute, now it was her turn to not know what to say.

"You're-you're right. Come in," she finally said, moving out of the way so Emily could come into the house.

"Is Elliot here?" Emily asked, nervously.

"No," Ali said, moving into the kitchen, "he's at work."

Ali wouldn't look at Emily and Emily couldn't decide if she understood or was hurt by it.

 _When did this get so hard?_ they both thought.

Ali kept her hands busy. She put away dishes, wiped down the counter and finally settled on making some tea for the both of them. Emily had been there a full 15 minutes before either of them dared to speak.

"So," Emily said, the first to speak up.

"So."

"Ali, I don't—"

"Em, you don't have to say anything," Ali cut her off.

"I'm sorry," was all Emily could muster.

"You have nothing to be sorry about."

"But we almost kissed, Ali. Kissed. And you're-you're married, and Elliot loves you and we almost kissed."

"But we didn't, Em, okay? It didn't happen. We both knew better and stopped it before it went too far. We didn't do anything wrong," Ali said as convincingly as she could. But in all honesty, all she wanted to do right now was walk over to where Emily was standing and show her what should have happened on Christmas, what she wanted to happen. What she's been thinking about constantly every minute of everyday since.

"That still doesn't make me feel any better, Ali. God, I feel like we had an affair or something," Emily said, her head in her hands.

"But we didn't, Em. Come on, look at me," Ali waited for Emily's eyes to meet her, then she started the speech she's been rehearsing for days, "Look, it's no secret that you and I have history. We loved each other once, in ways no one else would understand. And those feelings don't just go away, Em, we both know that. And they probably never will."

That was the understatement of the century.

Alison took a deep breath before continuing, she wasn't even sure she believed what she was about to say next, "But we're at different places in our lives now. We're not those teenagers anymore. More importantly, we're best friends, and we both know that we don't want to ruin that," Ali moved to sit at the table and waited for Emily to join her before continuing.

"It's the holidays. Emotions were running high. You came home from school and we haven't seen each other in over two years. We gave each other extremely emotional presents. It's no wonder these feelings arose, it's like we were teenagers all over again."

When Ali finished she wasn't so sure who she was trying to convince with this speech, Emily, or herself. But she couldn't help feeling her stomach churn at the words she was forcing out.

Emily sat there, trying to take everything in. She wasn't sure if she was heartbroken by what Ali had said or she agreed. But what she was sure of was that she was more confused now than she was before. Maybe it was just being back in this place. All those feelings still there, waiting, dormant for all these years.

But Ali was right, they weren't the same teenagers anymore, they both agreed that they weren't right for each other, they both had moved on years ago. But for something that was supposed to be right for the both of them, it felt all wrong.

"You're right. It's this place, it does things to people," Emily said, chuckling nervously.

"It does," Ali agreed, reaching over to give Emily's hand a reassuring squeeze, but failing to pull it away.

"I'm sorry," Emily said again, not quite sure what she was apologizing for.

"Em, stop apologizing," Ali laughed.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Emily said, causing Ali to laugh again. She was glad that some of that gnawing guilt that was inside of her was subsiding.

"So we're good?" Ali asked, hopeful.

"Better than ever," Emily smiled.

Ali and Emily hugged, it was short but sweet. Both of them glad that they had their best friend back. And that's what mattered most.

A few minutes later, Ali was cleaning up their mugs. Feeling her stomach rumbling, she realized that she hadn't eaten all day.

"Hey, I'm starving. Do you wanna get lunch? We can order out?" Ali asked, turning back to Emily.

"Sure!" Emily said, moving to Ali's side where she was flicking though some takeout menus. Being the indecisive people that they were, Ali stalked over to her fridge and took a look inside.

"How about sandwiches?" Ali called over her shoulder, reaching in to pull out the variety of cold cuts and cheeses she had just bought.

"Sounds perfect to me," Emily laughed, reaching over to steal a piece of sliced cheese from the wrapping, missing Ali's swatting hand, causing them both to laugh harder.

"Em, quit stealing! I won't have enough to make either one of us something!" Ali let out a proper laugh as she watched Emily shove a whole slice of ham in her mouth.

"Fine, fine, fine. Do you want me to help?" Emily asked, moving to grab a paper towel from the counter to wipe her hands.

"No, I don't trust you," Alison laughed at Emily's offended face, "Why don't you go see if there's any good movies on?"

"Fine," Emily made sure to overly exaggerate the word as she stomped her feet all the way into the living room, her heart fluttering at the sound of Alison's laughter coming from the kitchen. Emily chuckled as she reached for the remote and began her search. Glad that things were seemingly going back to normal, as if Christmas had never happened.

"Em? Do you want any mayo on yours?" Ali called out from the kitchen, knowing that Emily was always hesitant when it came to condiments.

"Sure!" Emily replied, her TV search continuing.

A few minutes later, Alison walked in with two plates, handing one to Emily and flopping down on the couch next to her, completely unaware of what was playing on the television. Emily couldn't stop herself from laughing at what she'd put on. She watched attentively as she waited for Ali to realize, knowing that Alison would figure it out any minute and that it would drive her insane.

"Oh, no!" Ali finally said, a few minutes later.

Emily broke out into a proper laughing fit, tackling Ali as she tried to reach for the remote to change the channel.

"Please, Emily," Ali said, in between fits of laughter, "Anything but this! I beg of you."

"But Ali, you know that 'Elf' is my favorite movie!"

"Which is exactly why we are not watching it! I can still recite it word for word because you just _had_ to watch it every time it was on the freaking TV! Not to mention when you would put it on in the middle of July!" Ali exclaimed, still fighting Emily for the remote.

"Okay, okay, okay," Emily said, pausing to catch her breath but still holding the remote out of Ali's reach, being the taller one of the two did have its perks. She paused to laugh at Ali's pouting face and furrowed brow, "let's make a deal. This only has about 20 minutes left. You can pick what we watch after. Deal?"

Ali smirked and Emily knew that the deal was solidified. But judging by the look on Ali's face she knew that Ali had something up her sleeve, as per usual.

A few minutes later they were both snuggled up on the couch, and though Ali would never admit it, she was actually getting invested into the movie. She never told Emily this but she never minded watching the movie. She knew it was Emily's favorite, and though it drove her crazy, she knew it made Emily happy. And that was all that mattered.

As the final credits started to roll, Ali came up with an idea, "Hey, what are you doing tonight?"

Emily thought for a moment, "Nothing, why?"

"Let's have a movie night! Like old times. We used to have so much fun with those," Ali said, hopeful. If she was honest, she really just wanted to spend more time with Emily, in any way she could, "I'll even let you order Indian."

Emily couldn't help but laugh, remembering all the times Ali would use that as their deal breaker, "How's 5:30?"

Ali grinned, "Sounds perfect." She quickly reached for the remote and searched through the On Demand guide. As Emily flicked though her Twitter feed, Ali found exactly what she was looking for. Smirking, she pulled the blanket off from the back of the couch and threw it over the both of them, patiently waiting for Emily to notice what was on the screen.

A few moments later, it registered.

"Oh you just love to torture me don't you?" Emily said, throwing the remnants of her sandwich back on her plate.

Ali couldn't help herself from bursting out into laughter. Ali had put on the Baz Luhrmann version of _Romeo and Juliet_ , it was her favorite and she knew specifically that Emily had hated it. Ali pulled the blanket tighter around the both of them and linked her arm through Emily's. Emily, despite herself, couldn't help but laugh.

"Sorry, Fields, we made a deal."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Hi everyone! I'm so glad that you guys are enjoying this fic so much. I was reading through my reviews and I wanted to give a special little s/o to DarkSuspense for their amazing review. Your kind words and compliments really meant the world to me and I appreciate all that you said so much. It really left me speechless. Thank you so so much.

Also, thank you to everyone who has left me reviews. The fact that you all are enjoying this fic so much warms my heart and all my apprehension about posting this fic has disappeared and has been replaced by the excitement of seeing how you all respond to the new chapters. So please, never hesitate to leave me a comment/review. And if you guys wanna chat some more, come visit my tumblr : thats-immortality!

Anyway, I'll let you all get to the new chapter. I promise the next chapter is when it's gonna start getting fun...

Enjoy xx

 **"All You Have to Do is Stay"**

A few hours later, Emily was pulling up to Ali's house once more. And, as instructed when she'd left earlier that afternoon, in her most favorite pajamas.

 _If we're doing a movie night, we're doing it right,_ Ali had said.

And when Emily walked through Ali's front door, she saw that Ali wasn't joking when she said that they were going to do it right. Fairy lights had been hung up all around the living room, giving it a much cozier feel. There were tons of throw pillows and comforters waiting on the couch to be snuggled up to. The entire house smelled like Emily's favorite Indian takeout. And there was a stack of DVDs ranging from _The Little Mermaid_ to _Psycho_ on the coffee table waiting to be perused.

 _She really thought of everything, didn't she?_ Emily thought to herself.

Emily was speechless and she couldn't help but feel like a giddy teenager again when she saw how much effort Ali had put into it. It reminded Emily of all the movie nights the two of them used to have when they were kids. They would snuggle up on the couch, hold hands under the blankets, and steal kisses in between scenes. Emily smiled to herself at the fond memories.

Emily, as the guest, got to pick the first movie that they watched. She had chosen _Casablanca._ The main reason being that she knew it was one of Ali's all time favorites and the smile that appeared on Ali's face when the opening music started up made Emily's heart skip a beat. It always made everything Emily ever did worth it when she was rewarded with an Alison smile.

Emily couldn't help herself when she glanced down at Ali's wrist, smiling sweetly when she saw that her charm bracelet was still there. She had half expected that Ali would have taken it off after Christmas and locked it away somewhere. But seeing it on Alison's wrist, made her feel happy in a way she couldn't explain. Seeing Ali wear something that she had given her, she couldn't help herself but think that maybe, just maybe there was a part of Alison that was still hers.

But Alison wasn't hers anymore, and Emily really needed to start reminding herself of that. Ali was married. She tore her gaze away from Ali's right wrist and looked down to Ali's left hand instead. Emily felt her stomach drop when she realized that there weren't two perfectly polished silver wedding rings glinting up at her. The guilt immediately rose back up in Emily's stomach, her throat feeling like it was starting to close up.

 _Did Ali tell Elliot what had happened? Did they fight? Are they breaking up because of this?_

The words were out of Emily's mouth before she could even think about it, "Hey Ali, where are your wedding rings?"

Ali tried her best to hide her shock, no one had ever asked her about her rings. All the other girls knew that she had been having a hard time after Charlotte died, so none of them ever asked about her lack of jewelry. And because Emily wasn't around, no one forced Alison to talk about how things were going with her and Elliot.

Emily was the only one that could ever break down Ali's walls. She could never hide from Emily. Emily was her safe place. But Ali had had over two years of no one getting her to talk. And whether she'd like to admit it or not, she had gotten really good at knowing how to avoid exactly this conversation. But she wondered if all her recent practices would have the same effect on Emily.

She looked down at her left hand and realized that she wasn't, in fact, wearing her rings just like Emily pointed out. She wasn't surprised, she hadn't worn them in months. She was just shocked that someone had finally confronted her about it. She couldn't tell Emily what was going on with Elliot, she couldn't tell anyone. She couldn't deal with admitting that she had failed in another relationship. That there was part of her that was rapidly realizing that she would fail in any relationship. Any relationship, except maybe one with Emily.

Ali forbid her mind from going there. She focused back on the situation and decided that her best bet was to just play dumb.

"My wedding- oh my wedding rings! I take them off when I shower. I must have forgotten to put them back on this morning. After we eat, I'll go up and get them. Thanks for reminding me," Ali said, nearly tripping and falling over as she tried to get the food from the kitchen.

How could Ali have been so stupid? Emily was easily one of the most observant people she'd ever met, especially when it came to Alison. Emily always knew everything that was going on with Alison because she could pick up on the slightest changes in Alison's mood or presentation of herself. How could she honestly have thought Emily wouldn't start picking up on her and Elliot's issues? _Especially_ when she's parading her naked fingers around like it's nothing to bat an eyelash at.

Emily didn't say anything more about the issue, instead she just took herself into the kitchen and silently helped Ali fix their plates of food. She tried her hardest to do little things like pronounce every dish Ali had ordered in the most obtuse fashion she could think of, or stuff her napkin in her shirt like a bib to get Alison to laugh. She could tell Alison was a little off after the conversation and she vowed to herself not to bring it up again. She could tell Alison was bothered, and she wished more than anything she knew why.

* * *

Before Emily knew it, their stomachs were full from all the food they'd consumed and they were onto their third movie of the night. Ali's head had somehow found its way onto Emily's shoulder, and their bodies were pressed together underneath the huge throw blanket that they were sharing. But Emily couldn't focus on anything other than how much her body was on fire from the mere contact. It took every ounce of strength and willpower that Emily had within her not to move any closer.

Emily could have been imagining things but she could have sworn that Ali had moved her hand closer to Emily's so that their fingers were just barely touching, igniting even more of a yearning within her.

She wanted Ali to get closer. She wanted to wrap her arms around Ali and press their all of Alison against all of her. She wanted more than anything to feel Ali's skin under her fingertips, to get lost in Ali's signature scent of jasmine and vanilla that was just, so utterly Ali. She wanted Ali.

And Emily didn't know how much longer she'd be able to to control herself before she did something she'd regret.

Luckily, the credits of the movie started to roll, and Ali had gotten up to clean up their dishes and put away the rest of their takeout. The second Ali was out of the room, Emily shot up off the couch and paced around the living room, trying anything to get her mind off of the fire that was building within her and what she really would rather be doing during the next movie.

"You pick the next one," Ali called from the kitchen. She paced around her kitchen, all the while berating herself for getting so invested in this movie night. She just wanted everything to be perfect, she thought maybe this would help things get back to normal between them. Movie nights used to be their favorite thing to do when they were kids.

But she couldn't even remember what movie they had just watched. All she had been thinking about for the last hour was how much she wished that Emily would wrap her arms around Alison and pull her closer, that Emily would kiss her and never stop. Ali had no idea how to interpret all that was going on inside of her head right now. She was feeling too much all at once and the more she thought about everything, the more confused she made herself.

 _I am not in love with Emily,_ she had to keep saying to herself. Who was she fooling?

Little did Ali know was that Emily, too, was just as much of a mess. Emily was trying so hard to stop feeling the way that she did. She was constantly reminding herself of all the reasons that her and Ali never worked before. That they were always better off as just being best friends. That their friendship meant more to the both of them than anything else in the world.

But when Ali would sit next to her or look up at her and smile, Emily couldn't remember anything except how anytime Ali pressed her lips against Emily's, Emily felt like she was flying. And she'd be right back to where she started, trying to convince herself that she still wasn't pining after Alison after all the years. And that it had always been, and will always be, Alison.

This was all getting too hard for Emily. She was always able to just put all that she was feeling aside as long as she knew that Ali was happy. But now, seeing Ali in this new life, it was almost too hard seeing her with anyone else. Emily knew coming home might have been a bad idea, but now she was positive.

Emily almost wished that Elliot would come home any minute. Just so she could get out of that house, away from Ali, away from what she really wanted to be doing with Ali.

"Hey, when did you say Elliot was coming home?" Emily couldn't even stop herself from asking the second Ali came back into the living room.

"Oh," Ali said, stopping dead in her tracks. She was unable to hide the disappointment in her voice and that made Emily's heart ache. _I'm running out of feet to shove in my mouth_ , Emily thought to herself.

"He's working late," Ali continued, "He's trying to get ahead on everything so we can plan a trip to go see his family before school starts back up again. I have no idea when he'll be home."

Ali couldn't meet Emily's eyes. She knew that this movie night was going to be a bad idea. She just couldn't help but hope that maybe this would remind them of how much fun they used to be able to have together before everything got too complicated.

"You can go if you want," Ali said, in a voice so small that Emily almost thought Ali hadn't said anything at all.

The look on Ali's face was enough to unravel Emily, who was now feeling terrible about saying anything at all. She quickly reached for Ali's hand and took it in both of hers, pulling Ali to sit down on the couch next to her.

"No!" she said, trying to sound convincing, "I don't want to leave. I was just asking because I didn't know if you guys had plans later or something. I didn't want to overstay my welcome."

"You could never do that," was all that Ali could think to say.

Emily smiled, and soon the next movie was starting up. And a few minutes later, they were utterly immersed in a new story line, completely ignoring the fact that they were still holding hands.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: you're welcome ;) xx

 **"You're Still the Greatest Treasure I've Held in My Hand"**

Ali was the first to wake up the next morning. Her body felt heavy, but not a bad kind of heavy. Not the kind of heavy that she had been experiencing lately where she just didn't have the energy to move a single muscle. It was the kind of heavy that came after the deepest of deep sleeping. The kind of sleep where you don't even realize you're sleeping because it's that deep. The kind of sleep where hundreds and hundreds of dreams run through your mind. The kind of dreams where you feel everything, every emotion, every ache, every slight touch feels so real like it's happening in real life. It was the kind of sleep that Alison hadn't had in years. She didn't know what had spurred this, but she knew that the idea of returning to it sounded better and better with every second.

She fluttered her eyes open but it took her a few moments to realized where she was. That was until she recognized the pale grey color of the couch in her living room staring back at her. She must have fallen asleep there last night like she had too many times recently.

But something was different this time. Maybe it had something to do with the odd pressure around her shoulders. She looked up and saw Emily's head resting softly on a pillow and realized that it was Emily's arms around her, holding their bodies flush against each other. Ali realized her head had been resting on Emily's chest, their legs intertwined under the blanket, her arm wrapped snug around Emily's middle, holding each other much like lovers would.

A sudden rush of guilt overcame Ali. She tried to get up as quickly as possible without waking Emily. Once she was free from Emily's grasp, Ali tucked the blanket tighter around Emily and hurried into the kitchen. She paced around trying to remember what had happened the night before. She didn't even remember falling asleep, much less being close enough to Emily that she would wake up and their arms would be wrapped around each other.

Ali's mind flashed back to the night's sleep she had just had. _The best I've had in months,_ she thought. She thought about waking up with arms wrapped around her, how safe she had felt. How protected. For the first time in she didn't know how long, she didn't wake up feeling completely and utterly alone.

She also couldn't help herself from thinking about just how cute Emily was when she was sleeping, and how she forgot about that adorable little nose twitch that Emily did when she dreamt. She was so screwed.

Emily, on the other hand, woke up the second she felt Alison get up. She herself couldn't even begin to comprehend what had happened the night before. The last thing she remembered was Alison dozing softly, her head on Emily's shoulder. But how they got like _this,_ Emily had no idea. Did something happen she couldn't remember?

 _No,_ Emily thought, _I think I'd remember THAT._

Emily started to calm herself down, but not before a new sense of panic washed over her. Where was Ali? Did she wake up before Emily and think they did something wrong? Was she embarrassed about waking up wrapped up in each other, a tangle of arms and legs? Did she feel guilty? She was married after all. Emily quickly got up from her spot on the couch and followed the sound of pattering towards the kitchen where she found Alison making two mugs of coffee.

Of course, Alison noticed Emily the second she walked in, "Oh, you're awake. I only got up a little while ago. Morning," Ali said, faking a smile and talking very quickly, her eyes never meeting Emily's. That was a tactic that Emily recognized within a second, Ali's way of trying to avoid talking about her feelings by acting extra cheery.

Emily's heart ached a little, the realization that Ali though that she still had to hide from Emily was heartbreaking. All Emily ever wanted was for Alison to always be herself, the beautiful human being that Emily knew and loved deeply. And it always pained her that Ali never wanted to be that person for herself. She often wondered what Ali's life would be like if she wasn't always so afraid of what was going on in her head.

"Morning. You okay?" Emily cut right to the chase. She was so tired of walking on eggshells. She and Ali had been through too much together for them to worried about watching their mouths around each other. Enough was enough.

"Fine."

"No, you're not," Emily said, stopping Ali dead in her tracks, "I'm guessing this has something to do with being wrapped up in each other's arms all night."

Ali's eyes immediately shot up to meet Emily's. She was caught off guard by how frank Emily was being. This was a side to Emily that Ali didn't see often, and it always surprised her when she came out. She handed Emily her mug of coffee and sat down across the table from her. She didn't know what she was supposed to say, instead she stared down at the floor, not sure what she would do if she caught Emily's eyes again.

"Ali, we didn't do anything. Look, we cuddled, it's not the end of the world. The amount of times that I've woken up and found Hanna or Spencer or Aria asleep on top of me is too many to count. There's nothing wrong with that," Emily reached over and gave Ali's hand a reassuring squeeze, "We're best friends. And quite frankly I would have been a little bit offended if we hadn't been cuddling all night," Emily exaggerated, trying her best to get Alison to relax.

Ali laughed slightly, knowing that Emily was right but she couldn't stop her mind from racing.

"You're right," she squeezed Emily's hand in response.

"So, we're good right?"

"Always," Ali moved to take a sip of her coffee, her eyes glued to Emily the whole time. "More coffee?"

"Yes, please," Emily said, handing her mug to Alison, unable to stop herself from staring at Ali's ass as she walked to the counter and silently berating herself for it afterwards. But there was this part of her that couldn't help but live in this moment, waking up to Ali every morning. Them having coffee in their kitchen before going on with their day. It was an idea that Emily could certainly get used to. And she hated herself for it.

Ali's head was spinning, all she could think about was walking over to Emily and showing her how last night really should have went. She needed this to stop, it was getting to be all too much. Her thoughts were all of a sudden infected with nothing else but Emily. The way she looked, the way she smelled, the way her arms felt around Ali. Now all Alison could ever think about was seeing Emily. Every time she closed her eyes, she pictured Emily's smile. And it wasn't right. She let Emily go a long time ago, she didn't have the right to think about her like that anymore. This was all wrong.

But when she caught Emily's peeping reflection in the kitchen window, this all felt too good. Ali took a deep breath and reminded herself for the millionth time that, however unfortunate it may be, she was married.

Almost as if Emily could read Alison's mind, she spoke up.

"Wait," Emily said, "Where's Elliot?"

"Oh," Ali said, stirred from her thoughts, "he texted me last night. He fell asleep on the couch in his office and thought it was better if he didn't drive home."

"That was smart," Emily said. She stole a look at the clock on the kitchen wall, "God, I can't remember the last time I slept in this late."

"I know, right?" Alison said, laughing slightly, "Best night's sleep I've had in a while." The words came out of Alison's mouth before she could think better of herself and she made a mental note to punch herself later. But luckily, Emily didn't pick up on it, either that or she didn't want to comment. Either way, Alison was thankful.

"I should probably get going actually, I'm sure my mom's freaking out that I didn't come home last night," Emily said, moving to put her mug in the sink.

They both walked into the living room, and Ali lent Emily a hand in getting all her stuff together. A few moments later, they were walking to the door both trying their hardest not to think about the feeling of their arms around each other.

"I had a lot of fun last night, Ali. We have to start doing these more often," Emily said.

"Absolutely! And I'm sorry this morning," Alison chuckled nervously, crossing her arms over her chest.

"No, I get it! Anybody would be a little caught off guard. I understand where you were coming from," Emily tried her best to reassure her unhinged best friend, quickly reaching over to squeeze one of Ali's hands.

"Thank you, Em. I'll call you later?"

Emily nodded and Ali reached for Emily, hugging her close. All of the tension of last night's events disappearing with every passing second, they were themselves again. Home within each other's arms, though they would never admit it.

They pulled away slowly, but held each other close for a few more moments, their arms still wrapped around each other. They stared into each other's eyes, seemingly searching for something, an answer, a hint, a sign. Emily gently moved one hand up to Alison's face and tucked a chunk of blonde hair behind Alison's ear. Alison couldn't help but lean into Emily's touch, always so gentle, so sweet, yet there was this fire to her touch, always making Alison yearn for and need more as if her life depended on it.

Before Alison could think better of herself and pull away, Emily was pulling Ali's face towards hers. Emily could hear the hitch in Ali's breath as they got closer. Alison wound her arms around Emily's waist, pulling her closer.

And before they knew it, their lips met ever so slightly, softly, sweetly. Their kiss was so gentle it was like it almost wasn't there, but neither of them pulled away. Electricity pumped through their veins at the mere contact. Their hearts pounded in their ears, creating a rhythm between the two that was completely in sync.

Alison marveled in how Emily always was the perfect height for her, she never had to crane her neck too much to kiss Emily but she'd always enjoyed the slight height difference. Though it was only a few inches, Alison always felt protected when Emily was near.

Emily had forgotten how soft Alison's lips were. So soft, so gentle. Always so welcoming. Her kisses always felt like coming home again.

The kiss seemed to have lasted forever and no time at all. It was too much and not enough all at the same time.

Just as quickly as it had started, it was over, and Emily was out the door, running to her car. Alison turned quickly to close the door behind her. Both trying to hold back all the tears that would inevitably come.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: a short one today everyone! hope that's okay. the next chapter will definitely make up for it, I promise. but I definitely thought that you guys would need a break between last chapter and the next one. enjoy xx

 **"** **She is Gone, But She Used to Be Mine** **"**

The next few days that followed, Ali and Emily avoided each other like the plague. They turned off their phones, stayed off of their social medias, and refused any of the hangouts that were extended by the other girls for fear of the other being there. Seeing each other right now was definitely not an option. Neither of them knew what they were supposed to say to each other, let alone putting into words what they were feeling.

After Emily had left Ali's house that day, she drove straight to Hanna's apartment and cried for the rest of the day, not daring to tell Hanna what had happened, even after her numerous protests.

Ali wasn't dealing with the situation much differently, she spent almost all of her free moments locked in her bedroom, curled up in bed with tons of tissue boxes around her. She was doing what she did best, locking out the world. She always was better off alone.

They just kept thinking about what they had done, the memory playing on a constant loop in their heads. The thought of how everything that the two of them had worked towards was now out the window, infected their every thought. And neither of them had the slightest idea what to do. Nothing was the same. Everything they knew up until now was over. And to make it worse, there was a minute part of the both of them that loved it.

All Alison wanted was to be able to talk to Emily, but she could never find the words. She kept wishing that she had the courage to just come out with all of it. To tell Emily everything that was going on and finally voice all of the content thoughts and feelings that had been infecting every single thought she had had for the past ten years. The thoughts that scared her to death. But she couldn't. How do you tell someone that you love them but that you can't all in the same sentence?

She must have written over a hundred unsent texts, nearly called Emily 15 times, drove half of the way to her house 5 times, and even began to write her a letter. But nothing Ali could think of would describe how she was feeling. No words in any language could ever convey how truly scared she was. Scared of these feelings that were taking over her every thought and action, but more so scared of the idea that she had finally pushed Emily away to the point of no return. Was that the final straw? Had she lost Emily forever? Had she finally hurt Emily enough times that Emily finally gave up on her? Those thoughts were the worst of all.

But what scared her the most, was the feeling she got when Emily pressed her lips to Alison's. It was like for the first time in she didn't know how long, Alison felt like she could breathe again. It was like for years she had been underwater, holding on to the same breath for all that time. It just barely keeping her alive. But pressing her lips against Emily's felt like she was coming up for fresh air. Suddenly she realized she could breathe and breathe and breathe. And with every breath, she felt herself coming back to life.

Emily on the other hand was counting down the days until she could fly back to California. But even Pepperdine wasn't far enough away from Rosewood. The other side of the world wouldn't be far enough away for Emily. Not being with Ali was proving to be too hard, harder than she ever expected it.

She hadn't planned on kissing Ali, that was the least likely thing she thought would happen when she came home for break. But when she was at Ali's that day, feeling Ali's arm wrapped around her, it was almost as if the universe was forcing them together like they were two different ends of a magnet. The pull was stronger than either of them, they tried to fight it but they couldn't. Even though neither of them truly wanted to fight it because like a magnet, they were two halves of a whole entity. And they needed each other to truly work.

When she finally kissed Alison, there was this unexplainable warmth that spread throughout her. A warmth that she felt it all the way down to her toes. And as corny as it sounds, she felt it most in her heart. It was almost as if Emily was frozen, a frozen version of herself that she certainly didn't want to be, and Alison's kiss had defrosted her. Warming her heart again to the idea of love. And though she didn't want to ever admit it, and she tried so fiercely over the years to fight it, Emily finally admitted what was always there in the back of her head, nagging at her like a conscience would an innocent child who stole a piece of candy from the corner store.

One day, she got out of bed, looked at herself in the mirror and she finally said it, "I'm still in love with Alison," and she felt some of the weight finally lift from her shoulders. But what good are those words when you have no one to say them to? What good are those words when you _can't_ love that person? What good was any of it?

Neither of them knew what to do. They were so lost. And the worst part of it all was that they wanted nothing else but to talk to each other about it. They wanted to talk to their best friend. But how do you talk to your best friend about how you're in love with someone when your best friend is the person that you're in love with?

Hanna tried numerous times to get Emily to tell her what was going on, but every time Hanna brought it up, it looked as though Emily was going to be sick. Alison, on the other hand, ignored practically every phone call and text that came in from her friends, none of them would understand. She couldn't bear talking to anyone at the moment. Something that definitely didn't go over well with her husband.

Speaking of which, Ali and Elliot's relationship was at an all time low now. They resorted back to fighting, but now it was every waking minute. Everything little thing that was said was taken completely out of context. It seemed as though one couldn't say anything without the other using it as ammunition in their seemingly never ending war. Ali didn't know how much longer she could deal with this. But the thought of leaving Elliot was almost just as scary as what was going on with her and Emily, almost. Leaving Elliot meant that she had truly failed again. And maybe that's just what Alison DiLaurentis does, she tries and she tries and she tries. And she always fails. She never does the right thing and she never gets to truly be happy. Everything she touched crumbled in her hands. Every good thing she's ever done was immediately tarnished. Maybe all this pain and suffering was just her karma. Her karma for all the horrific and horrible things that she had done as a teenager. Maybe she was finally giving her penance. Maybe this was just how it was going to be for the rest of her life. And if it was, she knew that she couldn't pull anyone else down with her, not any more.

She glanced down at the silver charm bracelet fondly resting on her wrist. She kept it on every second of every day. Of course she loved it, Emily had given it to her. It was one of the most beautiful and thoughtful gifts that she had ever received. But it was more than that, it was a reminder. A constant reminder that this was her life, this is where Alison DiLaurentis, queen bee of Rosewood High, ended up. Totally and completely alone.

Ali wished more than anything that she had never thought up that stupid movie night.

But little did they know that all that had changed between them was nothing compared to what would happen next.

* * *

Eventually, some the anxiety that had accumulated over the past couple of days finally began to subside for Emily. But that didn't aid her in the slightest in trying to make a decision about her current situation. But she knew deep down there was only one thing that she could do. She knew that it would be best for her, and for everyone, if she removed herself from the equation completely. And as much as it hurt Emily, she knew that removing herself from Alison's life once and for all was the only way the both of them would be able to walk away from this. Emily just wasn't quite sure if she would be able to survive it.


	8. Chapter 8

**"Hold Me Like I'm More Than Just a Friend"**

It was 3am when Emily woke up to the sound of her phone continuously vibrating on the nightstand next to her bed. She planned on just ignoring it, but whoever it was was adamant about getting in touch with her, calling two more times.

Rolling over, and not looking at who was calling, she picked up the phone, "Whoever this is, I hate you."

"Em?" came from the other line, sniffling followed. Emily was immediately awake and alert, her heart pounding in her chest. She'd know that voice anywhere.

"Ali? What-what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Um," Ali said, trying to stop crying long enough to answer Emily, "not really. Listen, I know things aren't great between us right now but I had no one else to call. I really need-"

Emily cut her off, "Keys are under the mat. Let yourself in, I'm up in my room."

Alison hung up, and a few moments later, Emily heard someone walking up the stairs, making their way to her bedroom. Nothing could have prepared Emily for what she would soon see walking though her bedroom door.

The Alison that walked in was an Alison that Emily hadn't seen since they were teenagers, since she came home. She looked like she'd been crying for hours, her hair was a mess, her face was all red and puffy. She looked utterly broken.

Emily had no words and she knew that any words she would muster up would ultimately fail her, so she did the only thing she knew how: she held her arms open, and waited for Ali to walk over to her.

Ali sat down and wrapped her arms tightly around Emily, holding on for dear life as she finally let everything she was holding onto go. She collapsed against Emily, and sobbed. Emily didn't dare speak, instead she just rubbed Alison's back and pulled her closer, waiting patiently as Ali rode out whatever this emotional rollercoaster was, her own heart breaking in the process. She always hated seeing Ali upset.

She knows Alison, and she knows how much it truly takes for her to be vulnerable and visibly upset around people, even people she trusts with her life. When Alison had called her to tell her Charlotte died, Emily didn't hear a single crack in her voice, even though Emily knew Alison was utterly heartbroken over losing her sister. She always had to be the strong one, always the one to remain completely composed even when the world was crumbling all around them. Emily didn't know why or what was making Alison this upset, but she knew whatever it was had to be something serious.

Finally, Alison's sobs began to subside, replaced by just silent tears and a semi regular breathing pattern. Still, she held on to Emily as tightly as her tired being would allow. It was as though if she let go of Emily, everything would crumble. A lesson she would soon learn the hard way.

After a few minutes, Emily decided to speak up, "Ali, what happened?"

She felt Ali shake her head against her. Emily sighed and tried again, "Please, Ali. Talk to me."

Ali, who seemed to be thinking carefully about what she did next, left Emily's embrace and sat up. When she finally looked at Emily, Emily could see just how tired and broken Ali was, this was a version of Ali that Emily never thought she would see again. Visions of an ugly past reared their way into her mind, memories she promised herself she would try to never think about again.

Emily wanted to kill whoever it was that made Ali this upset.

"Elliot and I got into a fight tonight. It was really bad," was all Ali could string together.

Emily reached for Ali's hand, intertwining their fingers together, letting Ali know that she was here, she was always here, whether she really wanted to be or not.

"What did you guys fight about?"

Ali stared down at their hands, intertwined. She tried to focus on the warmth of Emily's hand around hers. The feeling of Emily's skin against Alison's was more comforting to her now than ever. Ali brought their joined hands into her lap, covering them with her other hand and holding on tighter.

She didn't want to come here tonight, not at all. After Elliot stormed out of her house she sat there crying for hours. But even after all the things Elliot said rung through her head, the only thing she could think about was Emily. But even still, the final decision to reach out was one that took Alison hours to come to. She thought she'd lost Emily forever, that their kiss finally pushed Emily to the edge, and as much as it broke Alison's heart, she knew Emily deserved better. Emily deserved _so_ much better. So she was going to let Emily go, once and for all. She was going to let her be happy, especially if that meant a life without Alison.

But all the while she was coping with the latest blow up with Elliot, all Alison could think about was wanting- no, _needing_ to be near Emily. To just be in her presence. Emily could always bring her the peace and comfort that no one else ever had the ability to. She never knew how that was possible but it was, is.

She tried to push it away and just go to sleep, but she couldn't. She had the phone in her hand and was dialing Emily's phone number before she could stop herself. She hadn't even realized that she reached Emily's voicemail twice already before calling again. It was only when Emily answered after the third call that Alison felt like she could finally _breathe_ again _._

"The same thing we always fight about," Ali said.

Emily just stared at Alison, not knowing what to say, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Ali went on.

"A lot of things have changed since we last saw each other, Em."

 _As if I don't already know that,_ Emily thought bitterly.

"I know things seem so perfect between Elliot and I. And that's because it's easier than showing people the truth. Things between Elliot and I, well, in simple terms they aren't good. And they haven't been for a long time. We fight constantly. I can't even remember the last time we could actually look at each other in the eye without it starting a fight." Ali moved to rub at her eyes, giving Emily a shy smile.

"Ali, I'm sure you can work this out." Emily tried her best to string together something resembling a convincing statement but in all reality, she was at a loss for words. The love of her life was sitting here pouring her heart out to her about her failing marriage, and all Emily could think about was how the thought of Ali and Elliot possibly getting a divorce meant that she had a chance. A chance to get her girl back, once and for all.

"No, Em. This is different. This, I can't get past."

"What-what is it?" Emily felt her heart beating faster and faster, terrified of what Ali was going to tell her. She wasn't quite sure she really wanted to know.

Ali got up from where she was sitting on Emily's bed and started pacing around the room. Not sure of what to say. She didn't want to tell Emily what was going on, she didn't want Emily to know how bad things had gotten.

But when Emily was looking at Alison the way that she was right now, with all the love in the world in her eyes, all Alison wanted to do was to lay in Emily's arms, like she had so many times before, and forget about the world. She'd been hiding this long enough, and if anyone understood her, understood how she was feeling, it would be her Emily.

"The girls have all picked up on it, on me and Elliot having problems. But they never say anything to me about it. They think it's just because of us losing Charlotte, that that took a huge toll on our marriage," Alison scoffed, "but what an understatement that is."

Ali looked at Emily again, and she immediately felt stronger. She didn't know how it was so possible that someone's mere presence could make her feel like she could conquer anything the universe threw at her. But Emily made it possible.

"A couple of months after we got married I noticed that things had changed, I never really could explain it but there was just this shift. Something was just always off. I tried constantly to get Elliot to talk to me but he wouldn't. After a while, he just stopped putting in any effort at all. He could barely even look me in the eye, let alone kiss me, or anything for that matter. I should have known what was going on. I don't know how I didn't see what was going on right in front of me."

Emily wasn't sure she'd be able to hear anymore, she knew exactly what Alison was going to say next and it broke her heart to see how Alison was trying to pull herself together to say the words. Emily couldn't help but wonder if Alison had even said them out loud before. When she had seen them at Christmas, they seemed perfect. But maybe that was just because Emily hadn't seen them since they'd gotten married, she wouldn't have noticed anything differently. She couldn't help but wonder if maybe she had been around more and come home more often, she might have realized. She could have helped Alison. She could have seen what was going on. She should have been there. She had left when Ali needed her the most.

Emily reached out a hand to which Alison gladly took.

"Then one day, a couple of weeks after she died, he finally told me. When we were still engaged, Charlotte confessed to him that she had feelings for him. I mean I always knew she had a crush but I always just chalked it up to the whole 'he saved my life' thing, so I never paid any attention to it. But one day, she came on to him and he-he slept with her."

"Oh my, God."

"He swears it didn't mean anything. That it was just in the heat of the moment. But I can't, Em. He had sex with my sister while he was engaged to me. Em, she was my maid of honor, she was there every step of the way with the wedding planning and all the while she was in love with him. She wanted them to run away together."

"And that's what this fight was about?"

"Among other things. He wants to make it work. He wants me to know that he's sorry and that it's me that he loves. That he never had any feelings for her. He wants us to start having kids, to start making a family."

"What do you want?"

"Everything is different now. Every moment, every kiss, every anniversary. It's all different. I can't make a life with him and have children with him knowing that he slept with Charlotte. I just-I cant do it."

Emily felt sick to her stomach. She didn't know what to say, she didn't know how to act. Her head was going a million different directions. She held Alison's hand even tighter. She should have been there. She knows Alison, Alison definitely hasn't told a soul about this. She's been hanging on to this since it all started. Maybe if Emily had been there, Alison wouldn't have been going through this all alone. If Emily had been there, Alison wouldn't have been able to keep it from her. She could always keep things from the other girls, but she never could from Emily.

"He never loved me."

"Ali, that is not true. Look, I hate that he did this to you. But just know that I will support you 100% in whatever you want to do. I think you need to figure out what you want next in your life. But I promise that whatever it is, I will be there with you every step of the way. I'm here, okay? Whatever you decide to do, I support you. You are not alone."

Ali finally looked at Emily, she looked right into her eyes, and she finally knew what she wanted. After years of it being in the back of her mind, she finally let the thought come forward.

She knew, in this moment, the only thing she ever truly wanted was right in front of her. Her Emily Fields.

"I think you're the only person who ever truly loved me, Em. I just wished I'd realized that sooner."

Emily's head was spinning. She had no idea what was happening, but before she could figure it out, Ali had one hand around the back of Emily's neck and was pulling her face to meet Alison's. Their lips met in a frenzy, the kiss fast and hungry. A kiss of wanting, of needing. It was a kiss so powerful that Emily couldn't figure out how to breathe. With each passing second, her heart ached more and more. She never though a kiss could cause so much physical and emotional pain, but this was certainly proving her wrong. But she didn't want to stop. This was Ali, _her_ Ali.

Ali was trying to make up for all the lost time, she just wanted to feel her, she needed to be close to her again. Emily didn't know what to do, she knew she should stop this but all she could think about was the fact that Alison, the love of her life, was here, right now, kissing her, wanting her, needing her.

Alison's hands, shaking, made their way down to unbutton Emily's shirt. Emily, who finally came to her senses, grabbed them, stilling Alison's motions. Emily pulled away and looked up at Alison, who had all her emotions written across of her face- hurt, despair, heartbreak, confusion and underneath all of that, wanting, wanting to be loved and wanting to be wanted. Tears immediately sprung to Emily's eyes at what she was about to do, about to stop.

Speaking around the lump in her throat, she said, "Ali, no. Not like this."

Alison's face fell, tears springing back to her own eyes again.

"Please," Alison pleaded, "I just want to feel loved tonight."

The words felt suffocating to Emily, as though a hundred pounds of bricks were on top of her chest. Emily got up from the bed, and walked to her window, her back to Alison. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't think, she couldn't _breathe._

Of course this was all that she wanted, all that she could think about for the past week since she's been home. This is what she's been wanting for years, to be with Alison again. It has always been Alison for Emily, and she knew it would always be Alison.

But was she really willing to do this? Ali was still married. If you asked her two hours ago, Emily would have told you that she was willing to walk away, for forever. She was removing herself from this equation, letting Alison live her life. And finally starting to live her's in return.

But the words kept ringing in Emily's head, _I want to feel loved…..You're the only person who ever truly loved me._

Emily turned back around and saw Alison watching her, patiently, and Emily knew that Alison really, truly, needed this tonight. She needed Emily more than she ever did before. And Emily needed Alison, too. She always did.

 _Maybe,_ Emily thought, _being with her like this will hurt less than not being with her at all._

Emily crossed the room and pulled Alison up. Once Ali was standing, Emily took her in her arms and kissed her gently, slowly. She pulled back and looked at Alison once more, waiting for Ali's eyes to meet hers. When they did, Emily knew that what she was doing was either going to be amazing or incredibly stupid, but right now, she didn't care. She leaned in again this time kissing Ali for all that she was worth, pouring all of the love and protection and safety that Emily had to offer into it. Hoping that it would give Alison the strength that she needed.

And as they fumbled their way onto the bed, the both of them knew in that moment, they had just started something that would change them for forever.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Hello everyone! So sorry for the late upload but I had immense trouble all day trying to upload this chapter. But I wanted to stop by and thank you all again for the wonderful reviews on this story, I'm so glad that you all love it! But I keep seeing a lot of reviews saying that you all want Emily to whisk Alison away to California, for Ali to divorce Elliot and for Emison to live happily ever after. And I hate to be the one to break it to you all but it definitely won't be that easy, I'm sorry! I hope you all can forgive me. When I said that this story was going to be a rollercoaster, I meant it. But I promise it'll all be worth it.

I shall leave you with that but in the meantime, enjoy xx.

 **"Waking Up to Kiss You and Nobodies There"**

When Emily woke up later that morning, she could barely remember where she was. She was in a complete daze, and after laying in bed for a few moments, looking up at the ceiling, the activities of the previous night slowly started to come back to her. She rolled over and immediately grabbed the pillow next to her and held it close, reveling in how it smelled like jasmine and vanilla shampoo. It smelled like her Alison.

It was right then that Emily realized that something wasn't right.

She was alone. The other side of the bed was cold, missing someone. A pit immediately settled in the bottom of Emily's stomach. She stared to panic.

Emily immediately tore out of bed and in a frenzy started putting on last night's discarded clothes. She had to talk to Ali, and now. She just would drive over there and they would talk and figure this out. She finally felt like things were right between her and Ali, she was _not_ going to lose her again.

She wouldn't be able to survive it.

Just as Emily was reaching for her phone on her bedside table she noticed a pink PostIt stuck to it, waiting to be read. Emily smiled slightly as she immediately recognized the bubbly handwriting that said:

 **Thank you for last night. Call me when you wake up. XX**

Emily finally took in a deep breath, and felt her heart rate starting to slow down again.

But she was immediately overwhelmed with worry again. What did this mean? Was Ali going to leave Elliot? Did she want to be with Emily again? Or was their night together just one huge lapse in judgement? Their feelings getting the better of them. To never be talked about again.

Emily felt sick again. She had to put a stop to this, she couldn't live with only having half of Ali. She didn't want to share, she wanted everything. Or nothing at all.

Emily immediately grabbed her phone and dialed Ali's phone number. She had to put a stop to this right now. This wasn't fair.

Ali, on the other end of town, was just putting away the last of her groceries. When she got into her house, of course, her husband was nowhere to be found. No note, no call, nothing. But she wasn't surprised in the slightest.

The thought of driving back to Emily's house and laying in her arms was on Ali's mind all morning. But she couldn't ignore the nagging feeling in the back of her mind telling her not to do this. She knew it wasn't fair to Emily, and the last thing Ali wanted to do was hurt her. She'd made an incredibly stupid mistake going to Emily's the night before. She should have thought about it more, she should have stopped herself. But all she knew was that Emily made her strong, and that knowledge always outweighed any decision.

Ali was realizing more and more with each passing day that these feelings for Emily that she was trying to hard to stifle weren't going away, and that they certainly weren't ones of nostalgia from days long gone. They were here and they were real and true and as burning as ever before. And after last night, she realized very quickly that they weren't ever going to go away. And there was a part of her that didn't want them to.

The words felt like a blow to the gut every time she thought about them but she always knew. Always knew that she loved _Emily._

And of course she wanted to be with Emily, have you _seen_ her?

But more than that, Emily was the girl of her dreams. But Ali knew better than anyone that, sometimes, things should should just stay dreams.

She wished that things were different, but Ali couldn't help but worry that in the end she would just be hurt all over again, that no matter what, she still had karma to pay. And she couldn't let anyone else get caught in the crossfire of the "the world versus Alison" battle that erupted every time she came close to finally being happy. Maybe she was just destined to be alone.

As much as she didn't want to, she knew she needed to stop this. She needed to tell Emily, this went too far.

Ali, who was planning out what she would say, was stirred out of her thoughts when she heard her phone ringing. She smiled, despite herself, when she saw Emily's name pop up.

"Well, good morning, Sleeping Beauty! Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I did. How about you?"

"Like a baby."

Emily could hear Alison smiling through the phone, she felt her heart skip a beat.

"What happened to you this morning?" Emily said, chewing her nails, "I woke up and you'd left already."

Ali could hear the disappointment in Emily's voice, and it sent a dull ache to Alison's chest, "Well, with everything going on last night I completely forgot that I had a faculty meeting this morning at the school."

"Oh," Emily said, her voice quiet. Ali could tell that Emily was wondering if she had done something wrong, "You should have woken me up."

"I tried!" Alison said, laughing slightly, "Someone didn't want to get up."

Emily let out a shy laugh and Ali could tell that she was still worried.

"I didn't run out on you," Ali blurted out, "I promise. Leaving this morning was the last thing I wanted to do."

Ali heard Emily letting out a sigh of relief.

"So, last night," Emily said, not knowing what to say next.

"Was amazing," Ali finished.

"Yeah, it was."

Ali could hear Emily smile through the phone.

Silence engulfed the two of them once again, both too afraid to speak up.

"Em," Ali started, "I wanted to thank you for last night. I really appreciate you being there for me like that, I know it was a lot to ask but it was perfect. _You_ were perfect."

"So were you," Emily smiled, but she knew it was time, "but Ali, I think-"

"I don't regret it, Em," Ali cut her off, silently berating herself for not thinking before she spoke.

"You don't?" Emily asked, not hiding her shock. She was sure Ali would have regretted it.

"Not at all. Do you?" Ali asked, fear starting to pile up. She needed Emily, she wouldn't be able to get through any of this without her.

"Never," Emily said.

"Good," Ali said, smiling to herself, "but, Em-"

"This can't happen," Emily finished for her.

Ali let out a breath, she wasn't sure why she felt so defeated, this was what she was going to tell Emily after all, this is what was right.

"No, it can't. It was a one time thing. It won't happen again."

"Exactly," Emily said, fighting back tears, "and the last thing I want is for either of us to get hurt. Or to lose you."

"You never will, Em. You're my best friend," Ali said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Always."

Silence engulfed them both, but neither of them wanted to make the move to hang up the phone. It was more comforting being in silence with each other than to walk away from this. But Ali knew that she had more to say.

"Em, I'm sorry. I should have never let any of this-"

"Stop," Emily interrupted, "don't apologize. Ali, last night, it was amazing. And regardless, I will never regret that it happened."

"Thank you, again, for being there for me last night. It was a lot to ask of you," Ali repeated, she was at a loss for words. There were so many things she wanted to say, _needed_ to say but she couldn't find the courage to get them out. None of this was fair, especially to Emily.

"You needed me," was all Emily could say in response. And as much as she hated herself for it she knew that it didn't matter what the deed was, Emily would always come running whenever Ali needed her.

They were quiet again for a few moments, silent tears streaming down both their faces. Ali opened her mouth to end the conversation, but she was caught off guard by the sound of Emily's voice starting to speak.

"So, what are you going to do?" Emily asked, "About Elliot?"

Ali sighed, she truly didn't have a clue.

"I-I don't know. I haven't really given myself the opportunity to think about it."

"Yeah, I get it. Well, you know I'm always here if you need sounding board. And I meant what I said last night, Ali. I support you 100% in whatever you want to do."

"And that's why you always were my favorite."

Emily's eyes filled with tears again. Ali hadn't called her that in years. And she hated more than anything that after all this time, it still had the same power over her. Emily wondered if a day would ever come that she would stop begging the universe to let Alison love her back. But she knew deep down that there wouldn't be.

"I know," Emily said sheepishly, "I hate to run off but I promised I'd meet Aria for lunch."

"Yeah, of course!" Ali said as brightly as she could.

"I'll call you later," Emily said, with no intentions of doing that.

"Sure, talk to you later. Have fun."

They both hung up the phone with immense amounts of regret piling in their chests and the knowledge that no matter how convincing they tried to be to each other, _everything_ had just changed between them. And definitely not for the better.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Hi guys! So I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if any of you are getting overly frustrated with this fic, I know there's a lot of runaround in it, especially on Alison's part but this is just the route that I chose to take with these characters. I'm trying to implement the feelings and the fears that I believe the characters, specifically Alison, have been struggling with for years and I'm trying to really hone in on that and express what I think they would be thinking and feeling. And again, I'm sorry if that is frustrating to you all but it's angst. And I believe that their situation is far too complex for it to just be an easy resolve.

It's going to get a lot more frustrating in the coming chapters so I can understand if that is unappealing to any of you but I didn't mean for this to be a fluffy oneshot fic. But I hope that you guys trust me and will stay with me for the ride cause I promise it'll be really worth it at the end of the day. But we've got a lot to go through until we get there.

Thanks xx.

 **"I Wake Up All Alone, and I'm Thinking of Your Skin"**

The next morning, Ali was woken up by the sound of her phone ringing. She stole a glance at the clock on her wall, telling her that it was half past 11am. She immediately winced when light flood in through her open windows. Her head pounding, and her eyes puffy from a full night of uncontrollable crying.

Things were on their way to getting slightly better between her and Emily on a friendship level, but she couldn't ignore what her heart was telling her. She loved Emily, more than she has ever loved another human being, she always had. And she knew deep down that it was Emily she wanted to be with.

But Emily was worthy of so much more than Alison, she deserved more than Ali could ever give her. And the thought that Ali would never be good enough for Emily was killing her. But she knew that walking away was what was best for Emily, even if it meant she had to stay trapped in this little world she built for herself. She could get through all of that. So long as she knew that Emily would come out on top.

Deciding to ignore her phone, Ali rolled over and burrowed deeper into her pillows. All she wanted was to just go back to sleep, where she knew her heartache would subside, even for a little bit. She wanted to return to her dreams where she knew Emily would be, and where she could picture her smile, she could kiss her and hold her. Something she didn't think she'd be able to do again in real life. She knew in her dreamworld, she could live out the life that she yearned so deeply for, but would never have.

Just as Ali was starting to drift off and Emily's face was coming into view in her dreamworld, her phone began ringing again. Forcing herself upwards, she reached across the bed for her phone, which was waiting patiently for her on the nightstand. Ali glanced at the caller ID, her heart skipping a beat and a pit forming in the bottom of her stomach as Emily's face lit up the screen.

Her thumb ghosted over the decline button, she wasn't sure she could handle hearing Emily's voice. In fact she was sure it would unravel her completely. But she thought about all the times Emily's mere voice brought her the most immense comfort. Before talking herself out of it, she clicked answer.

"Hello?" She said, her voice hoarse from the endless hours of crying.

"Hey, you! Did I wake you?" Emily said. On her end of the phone, Emily was chewing her nails down to the nib, something she always did when she was nervous. But she couldn't go another day without hearing Ali's voice.

Ali sat up and winced again as the light peered in through her curtains even more, her splitting headache starting to pound once again.

"Yes, actually," Ali said, trying to chuckle lightheartedly, "I couldn't sleep last night."

"Oh," Emily's voice sank, "I'm sorry. Go back to bed."

"No, wait!" Ali said, a little more urgently than she should have, "What's up, Em?"

"Well," Emily paused, immediately regretting calling Ali. She called to ask her to hang out. She needed to see Ali, she missed her in ways she couldn't comprehend, let alone put into words. She just had this need to just be near her, no matter how painful she knew it was going to be.

"Em?" Ali said, tears springing to her eyes again.

"I wanted to see if you were free today? Maybe we could get lunch or something?"

Ali didn't know what to say. Of course she wanted to spend time with Emily, that's all she could think about now. She wanted to spend her every moment with Emily. But the very thought of spending time with Emily and not being able to hold her hand, or kiss her, or run her fingers through her long brown hair was going to be pure torture. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to handle it.

"What do you say?" Emily spoke again, "I heard that that little boutique that you like is having a huge sale?"

Ali smiled, "You always did know the way to my heart," she said, chuckling slightly.

 _In more ways than one,_ they both thought to themselves.

"Great!" Emily exclaimed, a little more brightly than she intended, "I'll pick you up in an hour?"

"Okay," Ali said, not sure what she just got herself into. She immediately hung up the phone and ran to the bathroom, the feeling of being sick overwhelming her again. Dabbing a wet washcloth on her face and neck. She stole a glance at herself in the mirror and she barely recognized the woman standing in front of her. She looked utterly drained, and just miserable.

Ali knew that their mutual agreement to stop whatever affair they had before it could really get started was the right decision, but she couldn't help but feel like it was just so wrong, so wrong to not be together.

She never imagined that her life would pan out this way. After all she'd been through in her teenage years, she never thought that this would be the root of her biggest unhappiness. She never thought she would be stuck in an unhappy marriage with the love of her life being dangled right in front of her, just out of reach. Ali was stuck, and she had no idea where to go. But the thing was, she _didn't_ have anywhere to go. She was just stuck.

As soon as the ache in her stomach subsided, Ali exited her bathroom and made her way to her closet. After looking through everything she owned at least 15 times, she came across something so far in the back of her closet it might as well have been in another house. She smiled to herself, remembering the day that she bought the navy blue dress that she held in her hands. She remembered trying it on in the store with Charlotte and how it fit every curve of her body perfectly, like it was made just for her. And she always loved the deep v-neck that always showed off the perfect amount of cleavage. She pulled out a pair of nude heels to match and quickly got in the shower.

Completely disregarding the fact that navy blue was Emily's favorite color.

* * *

An hour later, Ali was just finishing up her makeup when she heard a car honking from outside. Knowing that it was Emily, Ali took one more look in her full length mirror, the dress was as perfect as she remembered. She moved to grab her purse from where it was sitting on her bed, but she quickly remember something. She ran back into the bathroom and grabbed the silver piece of jewelry that was sitting on the side of the sink from when she washed her face and quickly fastened it to her wrist. The cool metal feeling sending chills up her arms, but the bracelet never failed to look like it was just a part her. She glanced at herself once more in the mirror on her way out.

She didn't know what today would hold but at least she looked her best.

Emily, on the other hand, was just as much of a nervous wreck as Ali. She had bandaids on at least two fingers because she had bitten her nails so much they bled. She was freaking out and wasn't doing a very good job at hiding it. She didn't know what to do. The idea of seeing Alison put her on cloud 9 but in the same breath she just wanted to run back to California where none of her troubles existed and forget about Rosewood for good.

She didn't know what she was thinking this morning calling Alison. She had planned on just asking Aria or Hanna to go shopping with her. But for some reason, she found herself mindlessly dialing Alison's number instead.

The second Emily pulled up to Alison's house, she felt sick. She checked her makeup 4 times in her rearview mirror and fixed her shirt at least a dozen times.

 _It's just Ali,_ she kept telling herself.

But that was exactly the problem.

Just as Emily was changing her mind about today, she heard the front door of Ali's house open. Then she saw her, and Emily's jaw dropped. There stood Ali, in the most beautiful dress that Emily had ever seen. It seemed to carve out Ali's body in ways she didn't think were possible for fabric but yet still floated out around Ali when she walked. Emily's eyes gazed upwards and caught a glimpse of the gaping neckline, showing off just enough to drive Emily insane.

Emily was stirred out of her thoughts when she heard her passenger door open, "Hey, you!" Emily said brightly.

"Hi," Ali said, reaching to hug Emily, both of them lingering for longer than they should have.

"So, where do you want to have lunch?" Emily asked, putting her car in reverse.

"I'm not really that hungry so anywhere is fine with me," Ali said, trying her hardest to not reach for Emily's hand.

"How about the Apple Rose Grille? We used to love going there," Emily said, silently berating herself. The Apple Rose Grille was their place.

"Sure. God, I haven't been there in forever."

A few moments of silence later, they pulled up to the restaurant. After taking their seats and ordering their meals, silence engulfed them again, both of them too afraid to be the first person to say something.

The whole time, Emily found herself unable to stop staring at Ali's hands, they were so delicate, yet they have been through so much. They have worked, they have fought, they have loved. Every time Emily looked at them, she felt the uncontrollable need to reach out and hold one, to kiss each finger and to apologize for all they have been through. She quickly caught a glimpse at the silver bracelet latched around Alison's wrist and had to try even harder not to reach for her. The need to feel Ali's skin under her fingertips was nearly impossible to fight and Emily wasn't sure she could hold on much longer. She was fighting a battle she'd already lost, but she was about to lose so much more than she bargained for.

Alison, on the other hand, could stop herself from staring at Emily's mouth, more specifically her smile. It had always been one of Alison's favorite things about Emily. Emily always had this way of lighting up a room whenever she smiled. Her smile was so contagious that, before anyone could realize, once Emily stared smiling, the whole room shared in it with her. There were so many times when Emily would just turn to Ali and shoot her a smile, and no matter what was going on or how scary it was, after one of those smiles, all was right in the world. Ali wasn't sure how it was possible after all Emily had seen and been through in her life that she could still work up that 1,000 watt smile. She was convinced it was some sort of superpower that only Emily Fields had. Alison couldn't stop thinking about how she would give her life if that meant that Emily would never stop smiling.

Before they realized it, their food had arrived. Ali hadn't realized how hungry she actually was until only five minutes had passed since they'd gotten their food and half of her plate was already gone. She could hear Emily snickering on the other side of the table.

"What are you laughing at?" Alison said, chuckling in return.

"So much for not being hungry," Emily said, not able to stop herself from laughing again.

 _There's that smile again,_ Ali thought.

"Oh shut up," Ali said, reaching over with her fork to steal a piece of Emily's grilled chicken.

They finally fell into a natural conversation after that, the ice seeming to have broken. They pushed both their plates in the middle of the table and began sharing each other's meals, something they always used to do when they were teenagers. It's funny how someone could just fall right back into old habits without thinking twice about it.

Once the check had come and it was split evenly, Emily brought up the next thing on their agenda as they both buckled into Emily's car.

"Are you still up for going shopping?" There was a slight tremble in her voice, but Ali pretended to not notice.

"Sure," Ali said, "You said you needed an outfit for something, right?"

"Yeah, a bunch of the girls that I swam with back in high school are all getting together tonight and celebrating Christmas late."

"Really?" Ali couldn't help the nervousness in her voice, "Who's going?"

"Oh, just a couple of people. I think Emma, Jen, Ashley, Paige. There's probably more but that's all I can remember," Emily said, trying to get off the topic as fast as possible, hoping that Ali didn't notice Emily bringing up her ex.

"Paige is going?" Ali said, feeling her heart racing. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Are you nervous about seeing her?"

"Not really," Emily tried to dismiss the conversation as quickly as possible, "I talked to her a few months ago and she sounded like she was doing really well. And she told me she was planning on buying a place with her girlfriend, so," Emily didn't know what to say. She wanted out of this conversation, now.

The rest of the car ride was in silence, neither of them knowing what to say. Ali couldn't take it anymore, the silence, the awkward glances at each other when the other wasn't looking. She wished she could just get it all out in the open, tell Emily how she felt, what she wanted. But just as Ali was about to open her mouth, Emily made a sharp left into the parking lot of the boutique. Before Ali could even unbuckle her seatbelt, Emily was already out of the car and halfway across the lot.

They spent the next few minutes quietly walking around the store, going their separate ways every once in a while to look at something, but always finding their way back to each other. Ali could tell Emily was getting increasingly more frustrated by the minute.

 _She always did hate clothes shopping._

"There is literally nothing here," Emily said, plopping down on the nearest seat she could find. Ali couldn't help but laughing.

"What?" Emily asked.

"We've literally been here 5 minutes and you've already given up. Some things never change," Ali said, searching through a clothes rack.

"There's just nothing here I like," Emily said, standing up and walking over to where Ali was.

"Go in the dressing room, I'll find something for you to try on," Ali said, moving to another rack.

Emily made her way to the back of the store and found an empty room. As she began to undress she couldn't help but think about how much she wished things were different with Ali. She hated how things had changed between them. Everything was so awkward all the time, neither of them wanted to speak at all in case they said the wrong thing, and this isn't how it should be. They were never these people.

Ali used to be the first person Emily would turn to when things happened, she was always first on the list of who to call when she had good or bad news. Or even when she just needed to talk and get out of her head, Ali was the one who always knew what to say. And now she doesn't even know how to be in the same room with her. Something needed to change. Emily was just afraid of what the cost would be.

She was stirred out of her thoughts by a knock on the door of her dressing room, "Open up, Em, it's me."

Emily was greeted with quite possibly the biggest smile she'd seen on Ali's face all day, and she hated how Ali's smile could still turn her whole mood around.

"I'm guessing you found something?" Emily asked, unable to hold back the smile that was tugging at the edges of her mouth.

"Of course I did," Ali replied, "and you're going to love me."

 _Too late._

Ali quickly shoved the piece of clothing into Emily's hands. It was a simple black jumpsuit that was long sleeved and had a deep v-neckline. It was right up Emily's alley and absolutely perfect.

"And wear it with these babies," Ali said, handing Emily a pair of gold sandal heels.

Emily smiled her best smile at Ali, and Ali knew she did well, she silently gave herself a little pat on the back.

"So," Ali asked a few minutes later, "how'd I do, Fields?"

"I don't know, you tell me," Emily said, as she opened her dressing room door.

Alison's breath caught in her throat the second she laid eyes on Emily. The jumpsuit was perfect. It clung to Emily in all the right places and hugged the curves of her body like it was made for her. Ali had done good, maybe a little too good.

"You look hot," Ali said, not even caring what just came out of her mouth. All she could focus on right now was that gaping neckline.

Emily turned around to look at herself in the mirror, her back to Alison. She stunned herself at how good she really looked, a daring feeling quickly overtaking her. She was tired of playing it safe, this jumpsuit made her feel empowered. It made her feel on top of the world. It made her feel sexy. And by the way Alison couldn't stop staring at Emily's ass, she agreed.

"You don't think its too much for a Christmas party?" Em asked, fidgeting with the neckline and making sure to run her hands slowly down her sides, smoothing out the fabric over her skin. She couldn't help but smirk at how Ali's eyes darkened with every inch Emily moved further down.

"No," Ali said, moving further into the dressing room, "it's perfect."

Emily turned back around, facing Alison. Her breath caught in her throat at just how close they were standing. Mustering up all her courage, she quickly pulled Ali into her arms, reveling in the tiny gasp that followed and moved to shut the door behind Alison.

"I know what would make it look better though," Emily said, moving closer and closer to Alison, until their faces were mere inches away and they were breathing each other's air.

"What's that?" Ali said, breathless, her eyes glued on Emily's exposed collar bones.

"If it was on the floor."

Ali pulled Emily towards her, all fumbling hands and hungry kisses. In a matter of seconds, Emily's clothes were off and Ali was starting on her own. There was too much clothing separating them, and Emily was growing increasingly more impatient with every minute she didn't feel Alison's skin under her fingertips.

She couldn't deal with the tension anymore, Ali was her's, always and forever. And she was determined to make sure that Ali knew that. As Emily impatiently pushed away Alison's hands, they quickly found their way to Emily's hips, gripping on hard enough to leave bruises.

Emily smirked against Alison's lips, _Marking her territory, huh?_ She always did like when Ali took control.

Ali's head was in a daze, she couldn't believe that this was happening again. It was all she'd be able to think about, being with Emily again, seeing all of that golden skin and toned muscles. Ali couldn't help the small giggle that escaped from her lips.

Emily immediately stalled her movements. Had she done something wrong?

"What are you laughing at?" she asked, her heart pounding in her chest.

Ali moved to tuck the hair back from Emily's face, letting her thumb linger and graze Emily's jaw line, "Nothing," she said, placing a small kiss to her neck, feeling Emily's pulse race against her lips, "I just can't believe this is happening again."

"Do you want to stop? We don't have to get into this, maybe we should think about this."

"No more thinking. I'm tired of thinking," Ali said, putting her hands on Emily's waist and pulling her closer, "Are you sure you want to do this? I'll understand."

Emily's eyes fluttered shut as she felt Alison beginning to trace her bra with kisses.

She took a deep breath and stared down at Alison, "I need this. I need you."

Hunger consumed Alison once again and she immediately pulled Emily to her again, capturing her lips in a frenzy. Alison pushed Emily to sit on the small table that was in the room and quickly sat on top of her, straddling Emily's hips. She reveled in the small moan that escaped from Emily when Ali rolled her hips, a fire lighting inside of her.

 _No turning back now,_ they both thought. And they couldn't be more right.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Hello my lovelies! I'm so sorry for the late update this week. This was the first week that I hadn't had the chapter pre-written so I wanted to take my time with it, but I quite like it and I think you all will too.

Also, thank you to everyone for all the nice reviews on the recent chapter and for trusting me to take you all on this crazy, crazy ride. I'm so glad you all are receiving these chapters with such open minds and are excited to see where this goes.

Much love, xx. Enjoy everyone!

 **"But I Got Everything I Need, Baby, In the Palms of Your Touch"**

The day ended too soon for both Emily and Ali's liking. After they'd finally untangled themselves from each other at the boutique, they'd helped each other re-dress. Emily zipped up Alison's dress, Alison buttoned Emily's top. And they'd fixed each other's tousled hair and messy makeup.

They mutually decided that the jumpsuit was the right outfit, and within minutes it was purchased and they were back in Emily's car making their way across town. They made jokes, remised about old times and laughed all the way back to Alison's house. It felt great to be able to be like this with each other, to be normal. To be okay. For now anyway.

"Do you want any help getting ready?" Alison asked as Emily's car pulled in front of the house.

"Only if you're offering," Emily said with a smirk.

They quickly exited the car and made their way to Alison's front door. Once the door was shut behind them, the two couldn't keep their hands off of each other, finding any excuse to reach out and touch the other. Giddy smiles were plastered on both of their faces, both of them ignoring the reality of it all.

It was too new, too fresh, too _good_ to ruin it with words and labels. So they both just lived in the moment, lived in the moment of being able to touch each other, to kiss each other, to hold each other. Finally.

Ali took Emily's hand and led her up the staircase. When they'd reached Alison's bedroom, Emily quickly snaked her arm around Alison's waist and kissed her softly. It wasn't a kiss of desire or hunger, but it was a kiss that left a dull ache in Alison's chest. It was the type of kiss that you don't even think about, the type of goodbye or hello kiss that comes naturally. It was the type of kiss that you do every day, you don't even think about. A kiss that comes with comfort and routine. A kiss that was quick, like a habit, like they'd been doing it for years and they would do it every day for the rest of their lives.

Ali pulled away slowly, reaching up to move the hair that had fallen into Emily's face. She knew that she was in big trouble.

"What time is your party tonight?" she asked softly.

"Everyone's meeting up at around 5."

Ali quickly glanced at the clock hung on her wall. It was 2:30.

"We better get to work then. Do you need to take a shower or anything?" Ali asked, moving to take the recently purchased outfit out of the bag that was on her bed and hang it up to free it from wrinkles.

"Only if you join me," Emily said cooly. Alison's eyes shot up to meet Emily's and a sheepish smile graced both of their faces.

"Then you'd most certainly be missing that party," Alison said laughing.

Emily groaned and flopped onto Alison's bed dramatically, but her eyes never left Alison's.

Alison crossed the room and bent down, planting a small but lingering kiss on Emily's lips.

"Raincheck," she said, bending down to kiss her again.

"Definitely," Emily said, smiling.

"Come on," Ali said pulling Emily up. She quickly lowered her voice, "I'll help you get dressed."

"How is that fair?" Emily asked, a slight whine in her voice.

"Cause you can help me get _un_ dressed."

"Deal."

Emily loved this, this flirting, this game. This back and forth. It was always something she'd enjoyed. Moments like these were her favorites, when her and Ali were alone, and not afraid to do or say anything. When they could just be themselves and they weren't worried about having to walk on eggshells or worry about every single thing they said or every single move they made, no matter how slight. They could just be in their little world and have their fun.

They played their game of one for one, taking their time and enjoying themselves in ways they haven't even let themselves dream about for years. With every piece of discarded clothing, Emily found herself becoming more and more speechless. And Ali found that her breath caught in her throat every time. They both were so enamored by the other's raw beauty.

Alison's dress fell at a pool around her feet. And she waited for Emily to make another move, but was caught off guard by Emily's frozen movements, her hands floating around Alison's waist, the look on her face indescribable.

"Don't tell me you're getting shy _now_ ," Alison said, a small giggle escaping her lips.

"No," Emily laughed with her, "it's just- you're just so beautiful."

A smile pulled at the edges of Alison's mouth, she reached up and put her hand to Emily's cheek, her thumb grazing the soft skin, "And you are breathtaking."

Ali pushed up on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on Emily's lips. Emily wrapped her arms tightly around Alison's waist and pulled her closer. They stood like this for a few minutes, their foreheads pressed together, small kisses stolen every few minutes. For the first time in a long time, they could honestly say that they felt truly happy.

Emily released Alison from her grip and moved into the bathroom, retrieving the black garment waiting patiently for her. She unzipped the back and sat down on Alison's bed. Alison took the piece of fabric from her hands. She lifted one of Emily's legs and carefully started to dress her. When the fabric reached Emily's waist, Alison held out a hand and helped Emily to her feet. Once Emily's arms were through the sleeves, she turned slowly and Alison zipped her up, pressing a small kiss to Emily's neck.

"Perfect," Ali said when Emily turned to face her.

"What can I say? The girl who picked it out knows what she's doing."

Emily took a seat at Alison's dressing table, and Alison began to do Emily's hair and makeup.

"This reminds me of the time I helped you get ready for that party we went to after graduation," Ali said, a laugh escaping her at the memory of that night.

"Oh, God," Emily laughed, "that night was so horrible. Why did I ever let you talk me into going?"

"I don't know why you did either! We drove an hour to get there and left after 10 minutes."

"Yeah cause when we got there, there were guys trying to bungee jump from the roof, without any bungees!"

They both laughed harder, at that. "Do you remember all those sorority girls trying to build a pyramid on the staircase?"

"And one of the girls on the bottom tier started throwing up and everyone fell over?"

"Oh, my God. That party was so bad."

"I think we had a better time getting ready then when we were there."

"Oh we totally did. I always loved when we'd get ready together. And I remember you looking perfect as always," Ali remarked confidently.

"So did you," Emily said shyly.

It was almost 4:30 when Emily was finally ready. Her hair was in soft, perfect waves, her signature style. And her makeup was minimalist but dramatic enough to make her brown eyes pop. She looked beautiful, as always.

Ali threw on her bathrobe and walked Emily to the door, the bag of Emily's belongings on her arm.

"Text me when you get there," Ali said, handing the bag to Emily.

"Of course," Emily said, bending down to kiss her gently.

Ali opened the door and waved as Emily drove away. The further away that she watched Emily drive, the more the dull ache in her chest became more and more searing. She decided that a huge glass of wine was exactly what the doctor ordered.

* * *

At 5 o'clock on the dot, Emily pulled up to the restaurant that was booked for their high school swim team Christmas party. Since she lived in California now, she couldn't help much with any of the planning, so she was excited to see how it all turned out.

She'd walked in and was immediately surrounded by her old teammates, and though she hadn't swam competitively since high school, being with these girls felt like coming home again. They'd reminisced about meets, all the horrible tan lines that they came back with after summer vacation, late night bus drives back to Rosewood after away meets and all the times the bus broke down on some sketchy highway in the middle of nowhere. It felt good to remember something so happy about Rosewood, a town that always reminded her of such terror and heartache whenever she thought about it.

She'd truly been enjoying herself for the first time in a while, and she couldn't stop thinking about how perfect this day had been. She excused herself from the group and made her way over to the bar to get another drink. She thought about all the compliments that she had received when she walked in about how amazing she looked, and she smiled as she thought about who did her hair and makeup and picked out the very outfit everyone was fawning over.

She quickly threw a hefty tip in the tip jar, remembering how tips made all the difference when she bartended, and reached for her drink.

"Vodka cranberry," she heard a familiar voice say behind her, "don't you ever venture out of your comfort zone?"

"Paige," Emily said with a smile. They hugged for a minute, "How are you?"

"I'm doing pretty good. Super weird to be back here though."

"I get what you mean," Emily said with a laugh.

"How are you doing?" Paige asked, the smile falling from her face slightly.

"I'm hanging in there. It's hard to be home but having the girls around has definitely made it easier," Emily said.

"You look great," Paige said, smiling again.

"Thank you," Emily laughed, looking down at her outfit. "So do you! How's New York treating you?"

"It's amazing, Em. Moving up there was definitely one of the best decisions I ever made. You been holding down the fort in California since I left?"

"As best as I can."

They laughed again.

"So you're almost done with school, right?"

"Yeah," Emily said proudly, "I graduate in May."

"Em, that's awesome!" Paige exclaimed.

"Yeah, I'm really excited."

"Any plans yet for what you're going to do afterwards?"

All of the recent events flooded Emily's mind. Before she came home, she had a set plan of what she was going to do after she graduated, but now this thing with Ali was happening and that changed everything. She didn't have a clue what she was doing.

"Everything's still kind of up in the air at the minute," was all she said.

"Well, you know you always have a place to stay with me if you want it," Paige said. And there was some intention behind her voice that Emily recognized right away. She started to fidget with the neckline of her outfit.

"Thanks," Emily replied.

"The party seems to be dying down," Paige started, "Do you wanna get out of here? Go somewhere to talk?"

"Talk?" Emily asked, "What about?"

"Just catch up," Paige said defensively.

"Paige," Emily started. Paige never wanted to _just_ catch up.

"I miss you, Em," Paige said, reaching for Emily's hand. Emily moved to fix her hair instead.

 _And the other shoe drops._

"Paige, I-" Emily started.

"Let's try this again," Paige cut off, "You and Me. You know that it's always us, Em, we always find our way back to each other."

"Yeah, we do. But Paige don't you think there's a reason that we never work out?" Emily asked. She was getting increasingly more uncomfortable with every passing minute. Paige was right, they always did find their way back to each other. But for Emily, it was _always_ Alison. And there was part of her that knew that's why she kept going back to Paige, because she never thought she'd get Alison.

"Right people, wrong time," Paige said, "I think we can make it work this time."

"That's what you've said every time," Emily said dismissively.

"And it always works," Paige smiled sweetly. Emily knew she was really trying.

"What happened to Melanie? The last time we talked you guys were getting an apartment together," Emily said, trying to reroute the conversation.

"We broke up," Paige said, averting her eyes, "We wanted different things. I wanted comfort and something stable, she wanted spontaneity and adventure. I wanted kids, she didn't. There was no point in staying in it when we both wanted drastically different things from each other."

"I'm sorry to hear that. But Paige, you and I keep coming back to each other _because_ it's comfortable. I don't think it's because we truly want to," Emily said, staring at the floor.

"And I don't agree with that. It's always been you, Em," Paige said reaching for Emily's hand again. But Emily dodged her once more.

"I'm seeing someone," was how Emily started, "it's new and it's really private but it's where I want to be right now."

Emily could feel the tension building, and the anger radiating off of Paige, and she knew that she needed to get out of this quickly or it wasn't going to end well.

"Anyone I know?" Paige asked, annoyance in her voice.

"No," Emily lied, "But it's something that I've been waiting a long time for." Emily didn't know what exactly this thing with Ali was or where exactly it was going, but they were together. And that was what she'd always waited for and she wasn't going anywhere.

Paige didn't say anything, instead she just bitterly sipped from her drink.

"Alright well, when that doesn't work out, you know where to find me."

"Look, I know you don't like it, but I'm happy right now, really happy. Happier than I've been since my dad died. And I understand that you're upset that it's not with you, but I thought that you'd certainly care about me enough to be happy for me and to be supportive. To recognize that I'm _finally_ in a good place and be happy about that. But I guess not. You don't own me, Paige. Please try harder to remember that."

Emily quickly grabbed her coat and left. She heard the faint sounds of Paige calling after her but she didn't want to hear anymore. She just wanted Ali. So, she said all her goodbyes and got in her car, driving the route she had come to know by heart. It seemed like no matter where she was in the world, she'd always know just exactly how to get to Alison.

She'd pulled up to Alison's house in what seemed like no time and knocked on the door.

Alison was just about to fully retire for the evening when she heard the knock on her door. She had spent the past few hours after Emily's departure watching movies and drowning her guilt in a bottle of wine. She knew that she had had some very serious decisions to make but she also knew that today was good, _so so_ good. And she wanted to just focus on that for a little while. She wanted to think about how much fun they had had, how they played and laughed with each other. How it all was so easy, and how she had smiled more today than she had in the past month. She wanted to focus on that, and not how she might have to make possibly some of the hardest decisions of her life very very soon.

She opened the door to find a very flustered Emily standing there. The second their eyes met, Emily's hands were reaching for Alison's waist, pulling her close. She captured Alison's lips in hers and kissed her soundly. Ali's hand reached for the door, shutting it, then wound it's way into Emily's hair. They kiss and they kiss and they kiss, for hours it seemed but were just sheer moments. They'd only stopped when they were both slightly dizzy and practically gasping for air.

"Well hello to you, too," Ali said, causing the both of them to laugh.

"Hi," Emily said, bending down to press a quick peck to Alison's lips.

"How was the party? You finished way earlier than I thought you would."

Emily said nothing, instead she pulled Alison to her once more. She started to walk her backwards into the living room and towards the couch.

Ali knew something was up, she knew it the second she saw Emily. She couldn't explain how she knew, but she just felt that something was off. When she felt the arm rest of the couch against her back, she slowly pushed Emily away. She looked deeply into Emily's eyes and she knew something wasn't right.

"You okay?" Ali asked, reaching up to move a chunk of hair from Emily's face.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Emily answered quickly. She didn't want to talk right now, she leaned in to kiss Ali again.

Ali quickly grabbed Emily's face before it could fully meet with hers and forced Emily to look into her eyes.

"No, Em, you're not," Ali said, she was getting worried, "What's going on? Did something happen?"

Emily huffed and let her head fall onto Alison's shoulder. She took a deep breath before standing up straight. She wrapped her arms around Alison's shoulder and felt Alison's wrap around her waist.

"Paige happened."

Emily felt Alison tense immediately, like she always did when Paige and other people and things from her ugly past were brought up. To say that her and Paige had history would be the understatement of the century. And Emily knew that Ali never liked that they were dating, but she knew Paige made Emily happy, however momentary it had been, and she kept her distance and supported Emily in every way she could. The same could never be said about the person on the other side.

Ali took a deep breath, she tried to center herself and calm herself down. She didn't need to get angry over this right now.

"What happened?" She said through her gritted teeth.

"She hit on me and told me she wanted to get back together. She told me that it's always been me and that we always find our way back to each other so that has to mean something. That we've always been the right people but just at the wrong times."

Ali detached herself from Emily's arms and walked towards the other side of the living room, she definitely needed space to breathe right now.

"And what did you say?"

"I told her that I don't agree with that. I told her that we keep going back to each other because it's comfortable, not because it's right. I told her that she's not what I want anymore and that no matter how much she doesn't like it, that she doesn't own me."

Ali took another breath.

"I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself," Ali said softly. The idea of Emily being with Paige again sent her into a tailspin of emotions and she didn't know what she'd do if they got back together.

Emily smiled shyly before getting up and crossing over to where Alison was standing. She gently wrapped her arms around Alison's waist and waited patiently until she felt Alison relax in her arms.

"I also told her that I'm already kind of seeing someone. That it's really new and it's private but that it is _exactly_ where I want to be."

Ali's eyes flashed up to meet Emily's. Emily always knew just the right thing to say. And even though it was all the things Ali had always dreamed about hearing Emily finally say, they broke her heart more and more with each word.

Ali smiled softly and pushed up on her tiptoes to reach Emily's lips, their height difference more prominent with the high heels that Emily was wearing. Emily felt Alison smile slightly against her lips and she knew that she'd put out all the fires and they could just enjoy each other's company again. Emily knew now that no matter how bad her day would be, that ending it with Alison would always make it a good day.

"Where's Elliot?" Emily asked.

Ali felt a lump begin to form in her throat.

"He's staying at a friends tonight. There was some big football game or something on and he knew it wouldn't end until really late."

A flirty smirk appeared on Emily's face.

"So I'm hearing that we have the house all to ourselves. All night."

Alison giggled, "Well look at that, we do."

"Can I stay?" Emily asked, her eyes becoming darker by the second.

"You better," Ali said, reaching for Emily again.

Emily deepened their kiss immediately, her hands wandering over every inch of Alison that she could reach. She worked quickly, reaching to discard any pieces of clothing she could. She heard Alison laugh softly.

"Whoa, easy there, killer. Remember we have the whole night together."

Emily stilled her movements immediately.

"Killer?" she started, "You haven't called me that in years."

Ali's face fell, she'd forgotten.

"Yeah, I forgot. You never really did like it when I called you that," Ali said, her face apologetic.

But Emily softened, it didn't have the same sting that it used to. It didn't feel like an insult anymore. It felt empowering.

"I think I have some ideas on how I can get used to it," Emily said with desire in her voice.

Alison's breath caught in her throat and she felt a chill go up her spine at how dark Emily's eyes were. She pulled Emily to her once again, the world beginning to blur around them. And with that, their judgement.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Hello, hello everyone! I'm super sorry for there not being a chapter up last week and for the late upload this week. It's getting to be exam time for me and I've been super busy. But, I finally got around to writing up this chapter. Thank you all always for the lovely reviews you leave, and I'm glad you're enjoying this fic.

As always, enjoy xx

 **"Looking at My History, I'm Bad at Love"**

The New Year came crashing in before Alison could even find her footing. The last year had taken a toll on her to say the least. And as glad as she was that it was coming to an end, it had seemed just like yesterday that she had started her first official year teaching, and now a whole new year was starting, with some already questionable decisions under-weigh.

She was excited for the arrival of a new year, and all the possibilities and opportunities that it would bring her. But she couldn't help the ache in her chest at the thought of what could possibly be ending and all that she could (and probably would) ruin. She didn't know exactly what this thing was that she was doing with Emily. She knew she loved being with her, she'd spend her whole days wondering when she'd see her next. And once they were together, it felt like they were the only two people in the world. And that was exactly how Alison always liked it.

But still, the decision to just up and leave Elliot was one that she couldn't bring herself to come to, and part of her wondered if she ever could. She knew that _none_ of this was fair, to anyone involved, and that killed her more and more with each passing moment. She never should have started any of this.

All she could think about over and over was how this was going to hurt Emily most of all. And how that was most certainly going to kill her.

She wished that it was as easy as just picking up, signing a few papers and spending the rest of her life in Emily's arms. And maybe in another life, it would have. But in this life, where Alison had made far too many mistakes and bad decisions, she went into everything with the knowledge that the universe was never going to truly let her be happy. That was just the unfortunate price she had to pay for being such a horrible person when she was younger. But even all those choices were fueled by fear, a fear of not being good enough, not being the best, letting everyone down.

She also knew that she was never going to be enough for Emily. Even if Alison gave Emily everything she ever had to offer, Emily was still deserving of more and more and more. Alison knew that one day, Emily would wake up and realize that Alison wasn't enough, and would never be enough, and she'd walk away. Alison wouldn't be able to blame her, she always knew that Emily deserved better and far more than Alison could offer. And she always knew deep down that that was why she never opened herself up to Emily when they were younger. Why she never told Emily that all those things Emily was feeling about Alison, Alison was feeling about Emily, too.

If all that she had been through in this life taught her one thing, it was that Alison would much rather stay in something she knows, regardless of how unhappy she may be because of it, instead of picking up and venturing into the unknown where the possibilities of her getting hurt and hurting everyone else were endless. And that was most certainly a risk she didn't want to take. She never was as brave as everyone thought she was.

* * *

Alison was ending the the year exactly how she planned on starting the next one, with a drink.

Her and Elliot were spending their New Years the same way that they'd spent all their New Years together, holed up in someone's house with all their friends around, waiting for the ball to drop. It was just that this year, she'd much rather be ringing in the New Year with someone else's arms wrapped snuggly around her and a _genuine_ smile plastered on her face.

Thankfully, she hadn't been elected to host this year, as all their friends knew she was still recovering from Christmas dinner. It was only 8 o'clock and she was already exhausted from having to pretend that her and Elliot were the happiest of couples. She was on to her third drink of the evening when she felt her phone vibrate in her purse. She pulled it out and felt a faint smile graze her face.

 **Emily: Been at Spencer's for 15 minutes and Hanna's already got me to down two cocktails. What # are you on?**

Alison chuckled slightly before typing out a reply.

 **Alison: Almost done with #3.**

Emily answered right away.

 **Emily: Working quick tonight, I see!**

 **Alison: Gotta pass the evening somehow. How are the girls?**

 **Emily: Well, Hanna is one drink away from being utterly trashed lol. Spencer and Aria are a little tipsy. But we're all having fun, it's nice to be together.**

Alison was thinking out a reply when she felt her phone buzz once more.

 **Emily: I'm missing you, though.**

Alison's heart skipped a beat and she felt tears prick the corner of her eyes.

 **Alison: Believe me, I would give anything to be with you right now.**

She quickly thought better of herself and sent another message.

 **Alison: And the girls.**

 **Emily: Need me to come rescue you?**

As if Alison hadn't already though about it.

 **Alison: Always trying to sweep me off my feet, aren't you?**

 **Emily: Is it working?**

 **Alison: Maybe.**

Alison quickly shoved her phone in her purse and decided to rejoin the crowd. It was all the friends that her and Elliot had made along the way of their relationship. Friends from college, some of his colleagues, and other couple friends they'd met over the years. She found Elliot quickly amongst the sea of people, and immediately plastered the "we're so happy" smile back on her face. She remembered there being so many times when this smile would be so genuine and real. Where she couldn't wait to get together with all of these people. But now they all felt like strangers. People from a life another her had lived.

Before she realized it, someone was shouting that the ball would be dropping in two minutes. Everyone collectively made their way into the living room and crowded around the television. Everyone sat on the edges of their seats as the excitement of the New Year was just on the horizon.

Everyone except for Alison, she stood towards the back, out of sight. Elliot stood a few feet from her. Just far enough away for them to have their space, but close enough for easy access. It was something they had mastered very quickly when things started to go south.

Just as the countdown started, she felt her phone buzz again.

 **Emily: Wishing you were here.**

Alison fought back tears once again. None of this was fair. What was she doing?

 **Alison: Not as much as I wish I was there with you.**

Alison almost punched herself right then and there. It was like her mind would tell her repeatedly what to do and to stop all of this. And then once she was in the position to, her body took over and made her do something stupid. It was like she was never in control.

 **Emily: Totally unfair though, you left me without a New Years kiss.**

Alison chuckled slightly. She quickly sent a bunch of kiss emojis and waited for Emily's reply.

 **Emily: I'll take it for now.**

Alison didn't have time to reply again, everyone started counting down. She suddenly felt like she wasn't able to breathe. The pressure of everything feeling heavier and heavier with each declining second. It was like it was all happening in slow motion, everyone yelling and cheering. Laughing and kissing each other. Alison blocked it all out.

It was only when she felt Elliot's arm around her waist that she came back to earth. They quickly pressed a kiss to each other's cheeks, they barely even touched each other's skin, and made their way through the crowd. She felt her phone vibrate again.

 **Emily: Happy New Year, Ali.**

She answered right away.

 **Alison: Happy New Year, Em.**

Alison briefly wondered if this year would bring any happiness at all.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Hello, my darlings! (See what I did there?) I hope you all have had a good week! I had some free time this weekend, and by free time I mean ignoring all my responsibilities, and I got the next two chapters all written up and ready to be uploaded! (I may have also been writing for two more fics after this one...) But no more waiting two weeks for another chapter anytime soon!

I received some messages about me setting everyone here up for heartbreak and there's just one thing that I'm gonna say:

It's gonna get worse before it gets better, kids. But I swear to you it's gonna be worth it in the end.

This chapter's a shorty but it's a goodie. And of course, I had to write about our most favorite place ;).

Enjoy xx

 **"** **I Know It'll Kill Me When It's Over. I Don't Wanna Think About It, I Want You to Love Me Now** **"**

The next day, Alison, who was slightly hungover from all the drinks she kept making for herself the night before, woke up to a text message. She knew who it was from before even opening her eyes. The sender insisted on having her own ringtone, to which Alison inevitably gave in to. She couldn't say no to that face.

She quickly rolled over and grabbed her phone, a smile breaking out on her face at seeing Emily's name pop up.

 **Emily: Feel like going for a picnic? xx**

Ali couldn't help the butterflies fluttering around in her stomach, she couldn't remember the last time she was this happy. She quickly sent a reply.

 **Alison: I can be persuaded. x**

She bit on her nail as she waited for Emily's reply, already mentally going through her closet to find an outfit.

 **Emily: 1 hour. Meet at our spot.**

Ali quickly pushed away the covers and ran into her bathroom, jumping into the shower before she even turned the water on. She paused to laugh at how excited and impatient she actually was, it was like she was a kid all over again.

She choose to completely disregard the fact that she woke up alone in her bed, yet again. The other side of the bed was cold and as fresh and clean as whens she had gotten in it last night. Unslept in.

She didn't care though, she was going to see her mermaid, and that was all that mattered.

An hour later, she was walking the trail she knew by heart. _Turn left at the tree that forks out at the top. Take a right at the wishing well. 20 paces past the old shed with the red double doors, and follow the trail till the end._

A few moments later her sight was filled with the flickering of tea light candles and a sea blankets and pillows laid out carefully on the ground. Her eyes teared up as she walked around and saw Emily, sitting down next to where she had written E.F. + A.D. on the side of the Kissing Rock so many years ago. Visions of many summer days spent sneaking out there to be alone filling Alison's head, her heart fluttered at the memories of a happier time.

"What's all this?" she asked, reaching a hand out to help Emily up off the ground.

Emily's hands immediately found Ali's waist and pulled her close, her hands slipping down to rest in the back pockets of Alison's jeans. Emily reveled in how easy it was for them to fall back into this after all these years. At some times, it seemed like it was another lifetime ago that they were those kids who were all nerves and fumbling hands. And at others, it seemed like no time had passed at all.

"Well, I figured since we couldn't celebrate New Years Eve together, we could at least spend the first day of the New Year where it all started."

Ali's eyes filled with tears again and she couldn't help the pang of guilt in her chest at the thought of all of this. Emily was becoming too invested, like Alison knew she would. She hated herself for this, she should just end it. But she _couldn't._ It was like she was physically incapable of stopping this. All of this.

But she also couldn't ignore the part of her that thrilled in being here with Emily, in _their_ spot.

Her mind wandered to that summer many moons ago, when they were just barely teenagers. They had snuck off and met up after one of the infamous Kahn family summer bashes. She remembered the intensity in Emily's eyes as Alison pulled Emily towards hers, their lips crashing together for the first time and feeling that rush of electricity course through her veins. When she kissed Emily for that first time, it was like she was asleep all that time, and it wasn't until Emily's lips were pressed against hers that she truly felt _alive_. All feelings that, after all these years, still hasn't gone away.

 _This is all going too far._

But Alison couldn't help herself. This was where she'd fallen in love with the beautiful brunette that was in front of her, feeling things that she'd only ever witnessed in movies. Feelings that she wasn't even sure were things that could actually happen to real people, until she'd finally felt Emily's soft lips against hers and she knew then that her heart would forever belong to Emily.

And all those feelings, that really never left her, were becoming harder and harder to fight. Especially when Emily was smiling at Alison the way she was right now.

Alison needed to stay strong.

"Em," Ali said, moving to push a chunk of Emily's hair behind her ear, "this is so sweet."

"Well, I didn't wanna go one more day of the year without seeing you," Emily paused, "kissing you."

"Well, then what are you waiting for, Fields?" Ali said with a smirk, reveling in the fire that lit up behind Emily's eyes.

Emily quickly reached down and pulled Alison's face to hers, pressing a sweet but lingering kiss to her lips, leaving Alison ultimately breathless and with a dull ache in her chest that would only serve as a reminder to herself of the horrible mistake she was making.

When Alison opened her eyes, her breath caught in her throat when she looked up and saw the smile that was spread out across Emily's face. Emily always had loved Alison more than she thought anyone could love her. Ali didn't know what she was getting herself into, but what she did know was that she definitely would not walk out of this unscathed. She just hoped that Emily could.

"Hi," Emily said, her smile growing with every second she looked at Alison.

"Hi," Alison said, letting out a little giggle that made Emily smile even wider.

"Happy New Year," Emily said, grabbing Alison's hand and walking them over to sit down on the blanket.

"Happy New Year, Em," Ali said, reaching over to kiss Emily on the cheek. She immediately felt sick afterwards, she was getting in too deep, this was becoming all to comfortable for her. She should stop this before she got lost in the idea of living this life.

Alison quickly cleared her throat and dropped Emily's hand, moving to throw her hair up in a ponytail as a cover.

"Do you remember the first time we came out here?" Emily asked, a sheepish smile grazing her face.

Ali swallowed around the lump in her throat and tried to smile her most genuine smile, trying to focus again on the happier (and easier) times.

"I do. And you didn't want to because you thought it was just some dusty rock."

"It is a dusty rock!" Emily chucked, and Alison joined her, "But it's our dusty rock."

Alison smiled again, but this time averted her eyes to the ground, pretending to wipe some dirt off her pants. Luckily, Emily didn't think anything of it.

"So," Emily started, standing up and moving over to the blanket that was laid delicately over the rock, hiding something underneath, "I thought it best that we only celebrate the New Year with the most gourmet foods that Rosewood's finest establishments have to offer."

Alison smiled brightly, waiting for Emily to remove the cover. A second later, Emily lifted the blanket with the elegance of the finest waitress in the most extravagant of restaurants and Alison laid her eyes on the feast that Emily prepared.

Before her laid ham and cheese sandwiches, two bags of potato chips, a packet of chocolate chip cookies, twizzlers, and two chocolate cupcakes.

"Definitely gourmet," Alison said, unable to hold back her small fits of laughter.

"Only the best for you," Emily said, joining Alison in her laughter, "Oh! And we cannot forget the most important part!" Emily quickly ran over to where her backpack was resting against a nearby tree and pulled out a bottle. Turning on the balls of her foot, she sat back down and presented the bottle to Alison.

"Sparkling Apple Cider? Now it's really a party," Alison said, a small giggle escaping again.

"Yeah, Rosewood Liquors wasn't open and my mom didn't have any champagne in the house. I hope you don't mind, this was really all I could get my hands on and I know it's nothing fancy but-"

"Emily," Alison cut her off by quickly grabbing her hand, noticing how quickly Emily's whole body relaxed at the mere touch, "this is perfect. You are perfect."

Emily's face lit up once more and she quickly reached for Alison and kissed her again, this time for much longer than the previous. Emily was the first to deepen the kiss. Wasting no time, she pulled Alison into her lap and immediately started to unbutton her blouse.

"This is a way better lunch that what I brought," she said, igniting a fire within Alison.

Alison's hands couldn't reach the hem of Emily's shirt fast enough, everything was just rushing back to her. And she couldn't see clearly enough to know that she should stop this before it went too far, before she wouldn't be able to control herself anymore. But Alison also knew that she lost all control the second Emily walked in her house on Christmas night. And part of her didn't care.

Being here, with Emily, at the Kissing Rock where everything started just showed Alison what she could have had and it was all too much for her to bare. She needed to not think about what she was doing, and how much she would be hurting Emily in the long run. She couldn't think anymore about how much Emily would resent her one day, when Emily would figure out that Alison can't give her what she deserves. That Alison would never be good enough.

Right now, Alison just needed to forget. She just needed to be somewhere other than in her head and thoughts. She needed her mermaid, whose strength might be enough for this moment. She needed the comfort that only Emily could give.

Moments later and both of them out of breath, Emily quickly grabbed the blanket that was on top of the kissing rock and threw it over both of their bodies. Alison immediately curled into Emily's side like she had so many times before, but this time she held on to Emily for all she was worth. Emily started to press tiny kisses on Alison's forehead and Alison was overwhelmed with guilt and heartbreak again. She quickly hid her face in Emily's neck, hoping that could hide her silent tears.

Alison didn't know what she was going to do, but she did know that Emily deserved far better than any of this.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Hello lovelies! I hope you all are doing well. You've got quite a long chapter ahead of you this week, but it's one that I'm very excited about and I've been anxiously awaiting the day it would be going up.

I hope you all love it as much as I do.

This is quite possibly my favorite chapter that I've written so far. Enjoy xx

 **"What If We Rewrite the Stars? Say You Were Made to Be Mine"**

The next day, Emily couldn't help the crappy mood she was in. She had just paid her tuition for the following semester and the reality of it all was really starting to settle in. She knew she should be happy about being this close to graduating, but she wasn't, she was miserable. Before thinking better of herself, she quickly reached for her phone and called the only person she wanted to talk to.

"Emily?" came from the other end of the phone almost immediately.

"Hey," was all Emily could say, her voice as small as she felt.

Alison immediately went into overdrive, the sound of Emily's upset voice sending a piercing pain though her chest, "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Not really. Can I come over? I wanna be near you."

"Elliot's home," was all Alison could choke out, her heart breaking for Emily.

"Oh, never mind," Emily quickly responded, ready to hang up, "forget I said anything."

"Wait," Ali said, "Let's go for a drive. I'll pick you up."

"It's okay, Ali. You don't have to," Emily said, burrowing further into her bed.

"No, I want to! Come on, I'll pick up snacks. And we can go to Lookout Point, you used to love it there," Alison pleaded, already changing her clothes and getting her purse together.

"Are you sure?"

"Are you kidding? Of course, I'm sure. I'll pick you up in 20 minutes."

Alison quickly hung up the phone and ran downstairs. She didn't know why Emily was upset but she just knew that she needed to be there, in whatever way Emily needed right now.

And 20 minutes later, Alison was pulling up to Emily's house, bags filled with all kinds of candy and treats sitting in her back seat. She immediately sent out an "I'm here" text to Emily and waited patiently for the front door to open.

And if she didn't have every inch of Emily committed to memory, Alison never would have recognized the person who walked out the front door and sat in the front seat of her car.

"Hi," Alison said, moving to get her purse from the passengers seat and throw it in the back. Emily didn't respond, she only gave a shy smile in Alison's direction as she buckled her seatbelt.

Ali made no attempt to move. She took in Emily's face, her cheeks were red and her eyes were puffy. Alison's heart ached as she caught a glimpse at the bandages on Emily's fingertips, knowing that Emily only ever bit her nails when she was truly upset. Emily continued to just stare out the window, sniffling to herself every few seconds.

Ali felt tears spring to her eyes, she would give anything to know what was making Emily so upset, and she'd do anything to make sure it didn't happen again. She moved to tuck pieces of Emily's hair behind her ear, letting her hand rest on Emily's cheek, gently caressing the soft skin with her thumb. Emily immediately leaned into Alison's touch and closed her eyes, her lip beginning to quiver.

"Hey," Alison said again, waiting for Emily's eyes to meet hers, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Maybe later," Emily said, turning her head to press a firm kiss to Alison's palm. She reached up and grabbed Ali's hand, bringing it to her lap and holding it with both of hers, "I just wanted to be near you right now."

Ali quickly put the car in drive and drove down Emily's street, her hand immediately falling back into Emily's as if it's something they've done for years. Every so often Ali could feel Emily's eyes on her and that sent a feeling though Alison that she still couldn't put into words. She knew that all of this was going too far and that her friendship with Emily would soon be over as they knew it, but this was something so wrong that couldn't help but feel so right.

What felt like a lifetime for Alison but was really just moments later, they were driving up the winding road that lead to Lookout Point. Alison remembered the first time that her and Emily took a drive up here, they'd watched the sun set and built a bonfire when they got cold. Emily, of course, immediately started roasting marshmallows to cure her sweet tooth as Alison laid under the stars and tried her hardest to find constellations.

Ali parked at the edge of the cliff and opened up the back door of her car, retrieving the 3 grocery bags filled with all of Emily's favorite snacks.

"I figured we'd need some supplies," Ali giggled, reaching in and grabbing 3 bags of Sour Patch Kids Watermelon gummies (Emily didn't like the regular ones), Oreos, Salt and Vinegar chips, 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and the biggest bag of marshmallows she could find.

She also reached in the back and brought forward the 6 pack of beers she'd bought, immediately cracking one open and handing it to Emily, "I figured you'd need this, too."

Emily immediately reached for Ali's hand, stilling her motions and forcing Ali to meet Emily's bloodshot and tired eyes, "Thank you."

"Anything for you, Em. You know that," Ali said, swallowing hard around the lump in her throat.

Emily pulled Alison towards her and pressed her lips firmly against Alison's. Ali could feel the slight quiver in Emily's bottom lip that let her know Emily was still crying. Ali instantly pulled her closer, knowing that Emily needed Ali close, to know that she was there, hoping that the feeling of her body's against Emily's would bring her back to earth and away from the sad universe she was stuck in. Emily immediately ran her tongue along Ali's bottom lip, a slight beg that, of course, Alison gave into. She'd give into whatever Emily needed right now but before she knew it, Emily was pulling away and starting to unwrap her pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

"Did you bring spoons?" Emily asked, in a voice that was so small that Ali wasn't so sure Emily had even said anything at all.

Ali quickly smiled and nodded, reaching into another bag from her backseat.

* * *

An hour later, the two had relocated to the backseat, their stomachs full from all the junk food that was consumed and their hearts, almost, content from just being with each other. Ali found herself staring up at the stars through her sunroof, letting her mind wander to think about how perfect this moment was. She couldn't help but glance down fondly at Emily, who had her head in Alison's lap, a blanket wrapped snuggly around both of their bodies, and was softly resting her eyes, looking as if she'd doze off any minute. Ali couldn't help but wish more than anything that they could just stay in this moment for forever, to pretend that this was what their lives turned out to be.

She let her mind wander to the what ifs. And in this moment she had her whole life in front of her, the life she would have had if she made the decisions she knew she should have. The life she'd give anything to have. That she'd give anything to go back and do things differently. In this place, with the love of her life laying in her lap, underneath the stars where hundreds of lovers had come before them, the world was perfect.

And in a perfect world, this would be their regular Friday night traditions. Taking a late night drive out here after dinner, laying underneath the stars, mesmerized by the vast space above them and each other's eyes. Then going home and spending the rest of the night wrapped in each other's arms, silent "I love you"s written on each other's skin. One day, bringing their kids out here for weekend picnics, stopping at the Kissing Rock on their way home, and putting them to bed with stories of how their mommies fell in love.

But the world is far from perfect, and Alison needed to come back to reality before she was lost completely to the idea of a little life that her and Emily could have and should have built together. Reality is where they lived, and in reality, Alison was married to someone else, although she was madly in love with the girl who stole her heart some 10 odd years ago, though she could never bring herself to admit it. She kicked herself every day for not, for if she had, things would have been so different. Things might have worked out in her favor.

"Might have" being the operative words. Who's to say that things wouldn't have ended just as badly, if not worse. Emily still would have discovered that Alison wasn't enough, she never would be enough. Emily would have figured out anyway that she was deserving of so much more than just Alison.

 _That_ , Alison thought, _was inevitable._

But in this perfect little moment, where all the what ifs and the doubts and the guilt ceased to exist, Alison let herself enjoy it just for a little longer. For this was what would get her through some of the longest nights to come.

* * *

Alison almost dozed off herself until she felt Emily stir. She quickly glanced down and found Emily staring back up at her. There was a look in her eyes that Alison couldn't quite identify, but she knew that Emily was still upset. She wished she knew what to do. She wished she knew how to make it all go away like all the countless times Emily did for her.

She took a moment to take in just how beautiful Emily was, something that surprised her each and every day. There would never come a day when Alison wouldn't think that Emily was just a figment of her imagination, for one human being could not be this perfect.

Alison moved her hand down to rest on Emily's head and slowly began combing her fingers through the long and soft brunette locks. She heard Emily take in a deep breath as she looked up past Alison and through the sunroof, visibly thinking about something.

Alison decided it was time to speak up, "I'd give anything to know what's going on inside your head.

Emily fidgeted uncomfortably, immediately moving to start picking at her cuticles. She didn't say a word.

"Please," Ali tried again, "talk to me."

"You're gonna think it's dumb," was all Emily had to say, a fresh sheen of tears springing to her eyes.

"Hey," Alison said, grabbing Emily's chin and moving her head so she was forced to meet Alison's eyes, "I will never think that something that makes you upset is dumb. Let me help."

Emily took a deep breath and reached for Alison's hand. Ali gave Emily's hand a reassuring squeeze in return.

"I'm just scared," Emily said, turning her head to stare at the back of the drivers seat.

"Of what?" Alison asked, treading lightly.

"Graduating. And I know it's so dumb for me to be scared over _that_ given literally all that we've been through, I mean I was locked up in an underground bunker for over three weeks."

Emily immediately felt Ali go rigid.

"Oh, my God, Ali. I'm sorry. That was so insensitive," Emily said, biting at her cuticle again.

"It's okay," Ali said, reaching up to grab the hand from Emily's mouth and held it in hers once more, "you're entitled. Go on."

"I don't know, I just-I'm scared."

"It's okay to be scared, Em. I don't know a single person who wasn't scared when they graduated college. It's a big step, it's normal."

"Were you scared?" Emily asked, her voice small again. Even after all of these years Emily still thought that Alison was invincible, never scared of anything.

"Terrified," Ali said, watching as Emily's eyes shot up to meet hers.

"But," Alison started again, her fingers finding their way to Emily's hair once again and seeing Emily visibly start to relax, "I was also really proud of what I had accomplished, and I knew that I was going on to do something that I really loved and was excited about. And that helped. And you should be proud of yourself, too, Em. What you conquered these past years is beyond amazing, don't sell yourself short."

"How did you do it though?" Emily started, her voice starting to waver, "How did you walk up and get your diploma without your mom there?"

Alison let out a breath and looked down fondly on Emily, it was all making sense now. "So that's what this is all about. Your dad."

Emily nodded, words failing her again.

"Well," Alison took a deep breath, trying herself not to cry thinking about her mom, "I almost didn't. It didn't feel right, getting up there and knowing that my mom wasn't going to be there in the audience watching, cheering when she heard my name being called. Even worse was when the realization that she wouldn't be there to take a picture with me afterwords or to hear her say that she was proud of me, had settled in. I felt sick the whole ceremony."

"What did you do?" Emily asked, hanging onto Alison's every word, staring deep into her eyes, looking for answers, hope, strength.

"I had to remind myself that there was nothing I could do about it. And as harsh as that sounds, it helped. I knew it was out of my control. And I also knew that she'd be proud of me either way. She might not exactly have been proud of what I was doing with my life but what else would have been new," Alison said, a small chuckle escaping her lips as she quickly wiped at her eyes when Emily wasn't looking.

"It's just like, none of it feels real, you know? Like I went back to college and now I'm really almost done and it just doesn't feel like I actually did anything because he wasn't there to see any of it. And now I'm supposed to get up there and actually get my diploma and he's not gonna be there. And I don't want to do it without him there."

Emily had progressively started getting more and more worked up, her voice raising with every word. Ali just let Emily be, knowing that she needed to get all of this out. Ali understood that better than anyone.

"Emily, no one is forcing you to actually go to the ceremony. If you really don't want to, you don't have to, that's entirely your decision. But I am gonna say this, I think that you'll regret it so much one day that you didn't walk up to that stage and get that diploma from the Dean. As cliché as it sounds, walking up there and getting that diploma handed to me made it all feel real, like I had actually done something. And I know it none of it seems fair, because it isn't. And I also know that part of you is worried because you think that you might actually enjoy it. And that makes you feel guilty because you don't want to enjoy anything now that your dad isn't going to be there. You feel like you don't have the right to celebrate anything anymore. But there comes a point when you have to let yourself, you owe it to yourself. You'll miss out on so much of your life if you don't."

"Do you think he'd be proud of me?" Emily asked, both of her hands holding on to Alison's.

"I know he would have," Alison said, leaning down to press a small kiss to Emily's forehead. It broke her heart to see Emily so upset, she didn't know if she would survive seeing Emily this upset ever again.

"How though? How do you know?"

"Because if I'm proud of you, he would have been over the moon," Alison said, breaking out into a smile and gently tracing the side of Emily's face with her fingertips.

"You're proud of me?" Emily asked, astonished.

"Of course, I am. Em, I'm proud of you everyday. You never cease to amaze me with how much you're capable of and how strong you are. I'll always be proud of you, in everything that you do," Alison couldn't help the tears in her eyes. Although she knew that Emily needed to hear this from her, she wished more than anything that they were under different circumstances. She wished that there wasn't the nagging reminder in the back of her head telling her over and over how stupid she was being and how big of a mistake she was making.

Wishing that she had done things so differently was something that was running through her mind every minute of everyday now.

Emily quickly sat up, grabbing Alison's face with both of her hands and pulled her closer. Their lips found each other immediately like they were being pulled together by a magnet.

Emily's heart immediately felt lighter, it always did whenever she was in Alison's mere presence. But hearing all of those things from Alison, all the reassuring words and votes of confidence, sent a spark inside of her. Giving her a reason to go on. With Alison by her side, Emily felt like she could conquer the world. And whenever Emily looked into Alison's eyes or whenever she saw Ali smiling at her, Emily felt invincible. Alison made her strong.

But when your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness, well, that's just a recipe for disaster by anyone's standards.

Alison tried her hardest not to melt into Emily's arms, but as soon as Emily captured Alison's lips in hers, she was done for.

Emily was by far her greatest weakness, but she needed to stay strong. In a couple of weeks, Emily would be going back to school and she hoped every day that that meant things would go back to normal.

But who was she kidding? Things would never be normal for them ever again.

Emily felt Alison's arms wrap around her waist, pulling her closer. Emily fingered at the hem of Alison's t-shirt, dipping underneath to run her fingertips over Alison's warm skin, the need to feel Alison skin under hers becoming far too much to handle. Alison shuddered at the slight contact, a chill sending straight up her spine, her body covered in goosebumps.

She moved to kiss Emily's neck. Emily's signature sweet scented perfume was becoming a drug for Alison, becoming utterly intoxicated by the scent that was just so _Emily_. Emily buried her hands in Alison's hair, lightly scratching at her scalp, she heard Alison's slight hum of approval as Ali continued to press kisses to all of Emily's pressure points, working her way up until she could capture Emily's lips once again, slightly biting at her bottom lip.

Emily slowly pulled away, taking a moment to look deeply into Alison's eyes. The intense look immediately worrying Ali, "Why did you stop? Is something wrong?"

Emily untangled herself from Alison and reached around to grab her purse from the front seat. She quickly dug inside and pulled out a long strip of blue card stock, she took a deep breath before taking one of Alison's hands in hers and placing the paper in it, "Will you be there?" Emily asked hopefully.

Alison took a second to look deeply in Emily's eyes before tearing her gaze away to look at what Emily shoved into her hand. The paper read, _"Admission for one to Pepperdine University's Commencement Ceremony: May 23rd, 9am."_

"Em, are you sure?" Ali asked, her eyes immediately welling up with tears. She knew how these things went, you only got a limited number of tickets. And Ali was sure that there were definitely people more deserving of a ticket than she was.

"They only gave us two each because it's such a large class, so I don't have enough to give all the girls. I was just going to keep this one but I really want you there, Ali. You've been there for me so much and I want you to see me get my diploma."

Alison didn't know what to do, she felt so guilty. This wasn't right, Emily should give this to one of the girls, not her, "But don't you need it, Em?"

Emily shook her head. "Like I said, I don't have enough to give to all the girls. And my mom already has hers, so," Emily trailed off.

Ali paused for a minute, it finally dawned on her. This would have been her dad's ticket. Ali felt immediate guilt bubble up in her chest. Emily shouldn't give this to her, it wouldn't be fair. Nothing that Ali was doing with Emily was fair. Ali knew she needed to stop all of this, immediately. She just needed to confess everything, to stop leading Emily on. To finally let her go for good. She just needed to find the words.

"Ali?" Emily said, stirring Alison out of her thoughts, "What do you say? It would mean a lot to me if you came."

How could Alison turn down _that?_

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," Ali said, moving to tuck a chunk of hair behind Emily's ear. Ali didn't know if she was making the right decision or not, but the second that Emily broke out into a huge smile, that was all that Alison cared about. Emily deserved to smile like that all the time and Ali would do anything in her power to make sure that happened for as long as she could.

In simple terms, Ali was fucked.

Emily immediately pulled Alison to her once again, this time kissing her breathlessly, only pulling away when they were both dizzy and gasping for air. But her fingers never left Alison's skin, this time pulling Alison's shirt clean over her head and throwing it in the front seat. Alison reached for Emily's shirt as they both shifted to lay down, Emily distributing her weight on her hands and knees as Alison laid underneath her.

Skin to skin, lips to lips, hands all over each other, all of the world's worries were nonexistent in this moment. In this little world that Alison and Emily created, when they were at their most vulnerable and yet their most strong, nothing could touch them. Nothing else mattered except the two of them, and all the unspoken confessions of love hanging all around them. In this world, where the only thing keeping them grounded was their arms around each other, here nothing could hurt them. Nothing from the outside, that is.

But there were things inside their little world that were just as deadly.


End file.
